What Mr. Kozlov did to me that day was awful. Not the most painful, nor the most frightening, not even the most humiliating. But what he did – or rather made me do – has had an effect on me that I will never be able to erase.
I know I have spoken almost favorably about Mr. Kozlov in the past. He has often made me feel so good, and I’ve sometimes thought that I liked him and very foolishly even believed that he liked me. But I now know that he doesn’t feel anything for me at all and the only reason he visits me at the Retreat is so he can try out new and terrible ways to make my life more and more miserable.
It’s a bit strange to write this account up now, with all that has happened recently. As you know, my darling friend, I have completely accepted my life here at the Gentleman’s Retreat. I know that I am nothing and that my feelings don’t matter. I know that now. I do. Really. But of course when the events I’m about to tell you about happened, I was still fighting it. I was still convinced that I’m a girl, a person, a human with rights, needs, dreams…
Mr. Kozlov made me feel like an animal which is one step towards feeling like an object. And objects don’t feel, do they?
But when this all happened I did feel and so I will try and write it with the same thoughts and feelings as I had then. It won’t be hard to do as I will never forget them.
I was walking around outside enjoying the gentle warmth of the sun on my skin and it occurred to me that even though I hated being half- or completely naked in front of strangers, I really did like it when no one could see me. Even before coming to the Retreat I’d always enjoyed wearing as little clothing as was decent, just so I could feel the wind and sun or even the rain on my skin. I’m a very tactile person and it doesn’t take much to make my body feel something, whether good or bad. But I would never have chosen to walk around in just my underwear, or topless, or with a short skirt and no panties, which is what I have to do now.
Anyway, I was walking around in the gardens of the Retreat, wearing a pretty but terribly skimpy summer dress. I felt so vulnerable and exposed with no underwear whatsoever, knowing that even a gentle breeze would show everything off to anyone who happened to be nearby.
“Oh, how clumsy of me, I seem to have dropped my cell phone. Pick it up, Clara, would you?” Continue reading →See More of Charlotte & Clara: