Bren

BrenInstantAh, Bren! How I miss him.

I have no idea where he is. I don’t know whether he is alive or dead but I cannot believe he is dead. He is such a survivor; so strong, so intelligent, so impressive in every way that I just can’t believe someone could have outsmarted him and killed him. Or maybe it was an accident.

But I do know that Bren is either dead or doesn’t care that I am here because if he is alive and he wants me, he’ll take me and there’s nothing that Mr. Negulesco – as strong and impressive as he himself is – could do about it. Bren gets what he wants. The thought that Bren wants me to be here or at least doesn’t care that I is almost as painful as the idea that he is dead. There’s just no way that he’d let so many men do so many things to his girl.

His girl? No, not really, my dear diary. Not in that way, anyway. His love’s name is Flame and I’ll tell you about her too one day. But right now I need to talk about Bren because I dreamt about him last night and it was so wonderful to see him again. But then I woke up and realized it was just a dream. He is not here; he is gone. I need someone to talk to about him and you are such a great listener, sweet diary.

***

I met Bren a few years ago when I was on the run from Utopia (I’ll tell you about him too one day, of course). I was in a little coffee shop and a man was kind to me, so very kind, and before I knew it was at his house.

It was scary at first, I’ll admit. I had thought that this kind man was either just being nice or maybe liked me and wanted me as his girlfriend. In any case, I wasn’t expecting to be locked into a little attic room in his house! But Bren soon explained everything and told me that Utopia would surely come looking for me and it would be much safer if I’m in the attic and the door is locked. It made sense, so I happily agreed.

The room was so charming. There was even a fireplace! Bren brought me delicious food three tines a day and new clothes to wear. The clothing was a little small for me but he said he didn’t have much experience buying women’s stuff (and why should he!) and it was too dangerous for me to come to the stores with him so these clothes would have to do for now. Continue reading

A Crumbling Pillar

Oh, will he ever forgive me? I’ve made another big fountain_004mistake. I just can’t seem to get anything right at the moment. I felt so sure, so strong, so angry, so determined. But I was wrong. And now I just feel so awful.

All he wanted was for me to do one simple, little thing and I said no. I didn’t mean to! I wasn’t saying no to what he was telling me to do. I was scared and I was begging him not to do the thing I thought he was about to do. Which he did do. And it hurt and it was horrible but it would have been so, so much better if I had only done what he had asked rather than panicking and not trusting him.

I’ve messed things up. And now Mr. Neguleso is angry and disappointed.

Ignore everything I wrote last time, dear diary. I don’t know if I even meant it then, but I certainly don’t now. I need to figure out how I can make things right again; how I can earn his forgiveness.

I owe him so much. Yes, he has been harsh with me but I’m sure he has his reasons and that he knows what he is doing. Yes, some days I would like to leave here and he won’t let me but how do I know that he’s not simply protecting me from what is outside? Bren is a dangerous man (I know I haven’t told you about him yet, my sweet diary friend, but I will I promise!) and maybe Mr. Negulesco is trying to keep me safe from him. Yes, some of the other men here are absolutely awful and completely terrifying but have actually been really hurt or injured by them? No. I haven’t I and I think that Mr. Negulesco knows and controls the people who come into his house and he keeps me safe.

So, I don’t know when I’ll see Mr. Negulesco again. I am very scared to see him but I also really, really want to meet him again soon so that I can try and apologize and explain and make it up to him. I am still confused about how I feel but I do know that I am very sorry and that I will try hard to be good. As a start, I have taken a photo of myself to include with today’s entry. I was told to only wear underwear until further notice and I found this really cute little bra and panties set. I hope it’s sexy enough.

Good night diary. I am tired and it’s late so I don’t think there will be anything else for me to tell you about tonight. Let’s hope that my next entry will be a happy one!

The Plan Begins…

Oh, my dear diary. I haven’t written in days but it’s not because I have nothing to tell you; I have so much I need to get out of my system although I hardly know where to start. What happened the other night threw me into such a physical and emotional state I don’t think I have even been fully conscious since then; I’ve just been kind of drifting in and out of sleep, in and out of a comatose, zombie-like state. I don’t really feel fully recovered even now, but I’m not going to be able to hide out for much longer and so I have to write down what happened. Recording events in this way doesn’t of course change them and it can even make it more painful for me, but in some strange way it helps not just by enabling me to sort out my feelings, but also because I somehow feel more in control. I know that actually makes no sense whatsoever, but it’s true.

So, the other night I entered the house by that loathsome, heavy wooden door (I hate that door because even just the simple act of pushing it open triggers a reaction in me. My body knows that something awful is probably about to happen.)

I saw Mr. Negulesco sitting exactly where he had been the other night. He called me over and of course I went straight to him. I was almost happy it was him; just like I had been the other night before. But, this night wasn’t the same. Either something I did must have made him angry with me or maybe he had just had a bad day, but… I don’t know… he was different. And I was scared.

He pulled my top down and told me to take off my clothes. Then he pulled me on top of his lap and … we … well, you know, he was inside me. Each time we do something it is so different. Each time, even if it’s the same act, it’s completely different and I don’t know what it will feel like or be like. It was almost amazing… it was… well, you know how I feel about Mr. Negulesco. Confused, yes, but sometimes it’s … oh, I don’t know! Sometimes it’s scary and awful but it’s always just… oh, it’s impossible to describe!

But I must have done something or said something wrong. I didn’t think I did; I was sure I was doing what he wanted me to do. Like the other night, he dolloped that slimy gel into my hand and told me to put it on my bottom. I did so, but, maybe I didn’t do it right or something because he seemed angry.

Then he… it was so scary! He moved quickly around me and then he was standing behind me. I was half standing, half bending over and leaning on the armchair. This time he didn’t send me off to bed or to go clean up. This time he was actually going to do it. And he did. And it hurt so much. I think he was right; I think that I just didn’t put the lube in enough of something, despite wanting and trying to do so. It hurt so much! Oh, dear diary, I was gripping onto the armchair so tightly I was sure I was going to rip holes in it but I didn’t care. It felt as though he was cutting and tearing me in two. Continue reading

Paradox

MrNegulescoOh help! What have I done? A few days ago I had the very real possibility of walking out of the Retreat with a kind and, fairly gentle, man. Somehow, for some reason, I messed that up and I haven’t seen him since nor do I think I ever will again. Then I had a wonderful evening with a sweet and lovely man who was happy to sit and talk with me by the fire. And all I could think of was that something just didn’t feel right.

Well, now I know what a stupid idiot I am and after I tell you about last night you’ll probably never want to talk to me again. But, dear, sweet diary, I do hope you will because I so need someone to talk to. I am so confused. Yesterday was absolutely awful and yet, somehow, oh I don’t even know how to start explaining but it’s like a part of me isn’t really me. A part of me wants something that I don’t want – something that I really hate – but that part keeps sabotaging my happiness and trying to get what she wants and not caring about the rest of me hating it. I don’t know. I’m not making any sense and perhaps I’m just crazy. Perhaps being locked up here is making me go insane and it has become impossible for me to think clearly.

Perhaps they’re drugging me!!! I hadn’t even thought of that before but maybe they put something in the water that makes me unable to really focus on my thoughts and makes me ruin any chances of escape. Or, perhaps they have some men come here to be sweet and kind and nice and gentle just so that I get used to that for a while and then when the horrible, cruel, rough, awful men show up it’s ten times worse.

***

Okay, back now. I had to go for a moment and cry. It’s just all too much. I hate this. I hate not knowing what’s going on and what will happen next. I have no control whatsoever over who talks to me or what they do to me and now it’s like I don’t even have any control over what I do to myself!!! I’m making up all these wild theories just to try and understand my life trapped in this house with these monsters but I’ll never know the truth. I can ask anyone but I bet I won’t get the same answer twice.

Well, I guess I can’t put it off any longer. I’ll just have to tell you about what happened last night: Continue reading

Happy… I think

SirJeffFrameLast night was amazing. It was really good and wonderful and perfect. So why aren’t I feeling elated and deliriously happy? What is wrong with me?

I have no idea what’s going at the moment. From the time I realized that leaving The Gentleman’s Retreat of my own accord was not an option, I have been dreaming of one day getting out. Then, I finally meet a man – SeaHawk – who wants only to take me away from here and what do I? I um and er and hesitate until he doesn’t know what to think of me and then, when he is trying to take me out of the very house I’ve been so desperate to leave, I stand around talking to the same men I want to run away from. And SeaHawk gives up on me and goes.

I’ve probably ruined all my chances of leaving with SeaHawk. I have to realize that. But last night, for some reason, I just didn’t care and I was even happy! I was sitting on the lovely soft rug by the fire (which is never lit, by the way. I must ask Mr. Negulesco if we can have an actual fire burning in the hearth; it would be so lovely!) Anyway, yes, I was sitting by the fire and then Sir Jeff turned up! Oh, he’s so lovely! I was delighted to see him and could barely resist throwing myself into his arms. Why do I like him?

Why do I like any man? I always thought it was because they treat me well and make me smile. But, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s maybe a lot more complicated than that. Otherwise I would have run off with SeaHawk without any question. And I would be feeling so good after last night. But I’m not…

Continue reading