A Crumbling Pillar

Oh, will he ever forgive me? I’ve made another big fountain_004mistake. I just can’t seem to get anything right at the moment. I felt so sure, so strong, so angry, so determined. But I was wrong. And now I just feel so awful.

All he wanted was for me to do one simple, little thing and I said no. I didn’t mean to! I wasn’t saying no to what he was telling me to do. I was scared and I was begging him not to do the thing I thought he was about to do. Which he did do. And it hurt and it was horrible but it would have been so, so much better if I had only done what he had asked rather than panicking and not trusting him.

I’ve messed things up. And now Mr. Neguleso is angry and disappointed.

Ignore everything I wrote last time, dear diary. I don’t know if I even meant it then, but I certainly don’t now. I need to figure out how I can make things right again; how I can earn his forgiveness.

I owe him so much. Yes, he has been harsh with me but I’m sure he has his reasons and that he knows what he is doing. Yes, some days I would like to leave here and he won’t let me but how do I know that he’s not simply protecting me from what is outside? Bren is a dangerous man (I know I haven’t told you about him yet, my sweet diary friend, but I will I promise!) and maybe Mr. Negulesco is trying to keep me safe from him. Yes, some of the other men here are absolutely awful and completely terrifying but have actually been really hurt or injured by them? No. I haven’t I and I think that Mr. Negulesco knows and controls the people who come into his house and he keeps me safe.

So, I don’t know when I’ll see Mr. Negulesco again. I am very scared to see him but I also really, really want to meet him again soon so that I can try and apologize and explain and make it up to him. I am still confused about how I feel but I do know that I am very sorry and that I will try hard to be good. As a start, I have taken a photo of myself to include with today’s entry. I was told to only wear underwear until further notice and I found this really cute little bra and panties set. I hope it’s sexy enough.

Good night diary. I am tired and it’s late so I don’t think there will be anything else for me to tell you about tonight. Let’s hope that my next entry will be a happy one!

The Plan Begins…

Oh, my dear diary. I haven’t written in days but it’s not because I have nothing to tell you; I have so much I need to get out of my system although I hardly know where to start. What happened the other night threw me into such a physical and emotional state I don’t think I have even been fully conscious since then; I’ve just been kind of drifting in and out of sleep, in and out of a comatose, zombie-like state. I don’t really feel fully recovered even now, but I’m not going to be able to hide out for much longer and so I have to write down what happened. Recording events in this way doesn’t of course change them and it can even make it more painful for me, but in some strange way it helps not just by enabling me to sort out my feelings, but also because I somehow feel more in control. I know that actually makes no sense whatsoever, but it’s true.

So, the other night I entered the house by that loathsome, heavy wooden door (I hate that door because even just the simple act of pushing it open triggers a reaction in me. My body knows that something awful is probably about to happen.)

I saw Mr. Negulesco sitting exactly where he had been the other night. He called me over and of course I went straight to him. I was almost happy it was him; just like I had been the other night before. But, this night wasn’t the same. Either something I did must have made him angry with me or maybe he had just had a bad day, but… I don’t know… he was different. And I was scared.

He pulled my top down and told me to take off my clothes. Then he pulled me on top of his lap and … we … well, you know, he was inside me. Each time we do something it is so different. Each time, even if it’s the same act, it’s completely different and I don’t know what it will feel like or be like. It was almost amazing… it was… well, you know how I feel about Mr. Negulesco. Confused, yes, but sometimes it’s … oh, I don’t know! Sometimes it’s scary and awful but it’s always just… oh, it’s impossible to describe!

But I must have done something or said something wrong. I didn’t think I did; I was sure I was doing what he wanted me to do. Like the other night, he dolloped that slimy gel into my hand and told me to put it on my bottom. I did so, but, maybe I didn’t do it right or something because he seemed angry.

Then he… it was so scary! He moved quickly around me and then he was standing behind me. I was half standing, half bending over and leaning on the armchair. This time he didn’t send me off to bed or to go clean up. This time he was actually going to do it. And he did. And it hurt so much. I think he was right; I think that I just didn’t put the lube in enough of something, despite wanting and trying to do so. It hurt so much! Oh, dear diary, I was gripping onto the armchair so tightly I was sure I was going to rip holes in it but I didn’t care. It felt as though he was cutting and tearing me in two. Continue reading

Paradox

MrNegulescoOh help! What have I done? A few days ago I had the very real possibility of walking out of the Retreat with a kind and, fairly gentle, man. Somehow, for some reason, I messed that up and I haven’t seen him since nor do I think I ever will again. Then I had a wonderful evening with a sweet and lovely man who was happy to sit and talk with me by the fire. And all I could think of was that something just didn’t feel right.

Well, now I know what a stupid idiot I am and after I tell you about last night you’ll probably never want to talk to me again. But, dear, sweet diary, I do hope you will because I so need someone to talk to. I am so confused. Yesterday was absolutely awful and yet, somehow, oh I don’t even know how to start explaining but it’s like a part of me isn’t really me. A part of me wants something that I don’t want – something that I really hate – but that part keeps sabotaging my happiness and trying to get what she wants and not caring about the rest of me hating it. I don’t know. I’m not making any sense and perhaps I’m just crazy. Perhaps being locked up here is making me go insane and it has become impossible for me to think clearly.

Perhaps they’re drugging me!!! I hadn’t even thought of that before but maybe they put something in the water that makes me unable to really focus on my thoughts and makes me ruin any chances of escape. Or, perhaps they have some men come here to be sweet and kind and nice and gentle just so that I get used to that for a while and then when the horrible, cruel, rough, awful men show up it’s ten times worse.

***

Okay, back now. I had to go for a moment and cry. It’s just all too much. I hate this. I hate not knowing what’s going on and what will happen next. I have no control whatsoever over who talks to me or what they do to me and now it’s like I don’t even have any control over what I do to myself!!! I’m making up all these wild theories just to try and understand my life trapped in this house with these monsters but I’ll never know the truth. I can ask anyone but I bet I won’t get the same answer twice.

Well, I guess I can’t put it off any longer. I’ll just have to tell you about what happened last night: Continue reading

Happy… I think

SirJeffFrameLast night was amazing. It was really good and wonderful and perfect. So why aren’t I feeling elated and deliriously happy? What is wrong with me?

I have no idea what’s going at the moment. From the time I realized that leaving The Gentleman’s Retreat of my own accord was not an option, I have been dreaming of one day getting out. Then, I finally meet a man – SeaHawk – who wants only to take me away from here and what do I? I um and er and hesitate until he doesn’t know what to think of me and then, when he is trying to take me out of the very house I’ve been so desperate to leave, I stand around talking to the same men I want to run away from. And SeaHawk gives up on me and goes.

I’ve probably ruined all my chances of leaving with SeaHawk. I have to realize that. But last night, for some reason, I just didn’t care and I was even happy! I was sitting on the lovely soft rug by the fire (which is never lit, by the way. I must ask Mr. Negulesco if we can have an actual fire burning in the hearth; it would be so lovely!) Anyway, yes, I was sitting by the fire and then Sir Jeff turned up! Oh, he’s so lovely! I was delighted to see him and could barely resist throwing myself into his arms. Why do I like him?

Why do I like any man? I always thought it was because they treat me well and make me smile. But, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s maybe a lot more complicated than that. Otherwise I would have run off with SeaHawk without any question. And I would be feeling so good after last night. But I’m not…

Continue reading

Oh, What a Mess!!!

Yup, the title says it all. Oh, dear Diary, I’m so confused and I don’t know if I’ve had a very lucky escape or if I’ve just made a really horrible mistake.

Let me tell you about last night and you can tell me what you think. I don’t know what I should do now or if I even have the option of doing anything. Will SeaHawk still want me? Will he come back again after what happened? I don’t know and I can’t seem to think straight or begin to figure out all the questions tearing around in my head like crazed bumble bees.

Okay, so last night started off in a very confusing way. I suddenly found myself in a room with SeaHawk! Yes, that should have been a wonderful surprise, and it was, but I was so confused that it kind of spoiled the pleasure I would have felt at seeing him again.

I asked him where I was and how we got there. After my senses began to come back to me I realized that we were in the The Gentleman’s Retreat, but it was a room I didn’t know very well which is why I didn’t recognize it. But that still left the question about how I got there. So I asked SeaHawk and he said, in a really matter-of-fact way that he had sedated me and carried me from the pens so of course I wouldn’t remember coming here.

Sedated me? Why had he done that? I would have gladly followed him! I was really confused especially as he kept saying things I just didn’t understand; he was using strange words and it was so weird. And he wanted to attach me to a post and all I wanted to do was talk about what he was going to do and whether he would take me away from here and for how long and … so many questions and I just felt so strange. He was almost annoying me! Which makes no sense because I really like him. Don’t I? I have to! He could take me away, take me from the Retreat, from all these awful men who… but… that’s the problem. I got so scared at the unknown, so scared that he’d take me away and I’d hate it even more than I hate being here (some of the time) and then there’d be no way back.

But you know what the strangest and scariest thing was? I felt like I had a choice. I felt like I could tell SeaHawk what I wanted and that he’d do whatever I wanted him to do. That should have made me happy but it just confused me. Continue reading