Clara is a bit tied up (probably literally) at the moment, in her long adventure with Taun. I don’t know what he’s planning on doing to and with her but she’s falling for him fast. She won’t be able to write for a while (probably about a week) so I just popped over to let you know that she hasn’t abandoned you and she will be back soon with lots of juicy tales.
Maybe next time I won’t try and avoid the gang bang. I didn’t have a very pleasant evening although I did learn something interesting.
Each month, Mr. Negulesco organizes a gang bang here at the Retreat. It’s awful! I was chosen once and obviously I hated it. I guess it’s one of the events that draws men and their money to the place. And how do you think the girl to be used like this is chosen? She has to volunteer! Yup. It’s so twisted. I mean, I guess it’s great for the girls who live here and who love all the attention they get from the men but for the prisoners like me it’s just awful. Mr. Negulesco asked me once if I had signed up for that month’s lottery and when I told him I hadn’t because I didn’t want to “win” he made it very clear that I would get into trouble if I didn’t enter. Why can’t he just automatically add all the girls’ names; why do we have to “volunteer” for something we really, really don’t want to do?
Anyway, I was watching the events unroll and this month’s girl seemed to be a willing participant and she and all the men were thoroughly enjoying themselves so I figured what point was there in my being there? I wandered off back to my favorite little bench in the pretty garden area just off the path. It’s so quiet there and I much prefer it to the house, for obvious reasons, but I’m still close enough to everyone that (usually) I don’t get in trouble for trying to avoid the men. Continue reading →
Hello Diary, I am so very tired right now but I have to write to you. I need to tell you a little more about Taun. I saw him again this evening. He’s getting under my skin and into me. I don’t know if I should run to him for help, protection and guidance or away from him before he envelops my mind and body in his soft, gentle, kind, sweet, caring cloak.
It was a short visit, but it had a deep effect on me, just as each time I see him. He had me remove my clothes and he explained that he was going to kiss me and touch me. It’s not that I didn’t want him to do that; you know that I have started to desperately need him to do exactly that. But I just had to ask him the question that was going around in my mind and driving me crazy.
So I asked him if it was okay to ask him a question. He replied by asking me if I would like to have an answer to my question that pleases me or that is the truth. That scared me a little, but I said I needed to know the truth. Then I asked him if he was playing with my mind on purpose, if he knew that he was doing it, if he was trying to change me, if his actions were calculated to have the reactions they were having in me and if he was aware of the effect it was having on me. Continue reading →
Good morning, dear diary! I feel very refreshed after a long night’s sleep and because the Retreat is usually a little quieter during the day than it is in the evening, I should have lots of time now to tell you all about my evening with Taun.
Okay, so, I promise that I won’t go off on an emotional tangent this time; I will actually tell you what happened!
I arrived at his cabin and we spoke for a short while. I was a little scared and I asked him if he would please tell me what he was planing on doing. He explained that he wouldn’t tell me because part of the training is to help me overcome that fear of the unknown. He spoke very calmly and smiled so warmly I was reassured. He really is so understanding and patient, it really unnerves me. (Oops, sorry, I said just details this time. I can’t help it!)
He allowed me a few minutes to look around while he went to change out of his suit and into something more casual. He looked really good when he returned a few minutes later (although he looks great in a suit too, I have to say). Obviously, I had to remove my top – that is not a surprise as he has made it clear I will need to do that whenever I am around him – but he said that I would have to be completely naked this time. He told me he wanted me to go into the next room, undress, and then return to him. You would think I would have become used to being nude in front of men I hardly know as it has happened far too many times for me to count, but I still don’t like it and I don’t want to like it. But with Taun it’s a bit easier, it’s true, because I’m already used to being half naked around him and he’s also very polite and he actually asks me to do things rather than bossing me around. Continue reading →
Taun. I have never been so confused by a man. Even Mr. Negulesco seems more logical and less confusing than Taun. With Mr. Negulesco, I can be sure that when I see him one of three things will happen. Either nothing; he will be busy with someone else. Or pain; he will hurt my body or my pride. Or sex; he will do something to me or have me do something to him that I don’t want to do but I know I have to do and if I’m lucky it will feel good.
But Taun. He is doing something to me and I’m scared. I thought I was safe because he’s not hurting me; he’s not beating me or tying me up and he’s not ordering me to do awful things. But, that would somehow be easier, I think, than this. He wants me to want it! He’s trying to help me, to make it easier for me to endure the cruel things I have to experience here, to give me strategies for coping and behaving well so that I can stay out of trouble. But I do want that? Sure, it’s a nice idea, to do as I’m told and not get punished. Well, the not getting punished part is nice. It’s the doing as I’m told part that’s not so easy. I just don’t see why I should do most of the stuff I’m forced to do here. I don’t want to accept that I belong here; that it’s my place to serve these men any way they like whether I feel like it or not. And if I let Taun help me, then won’t he also break me? Won’t I be different, changed, not the same girl as I was? I can’t let that happen. But I’m scared that I won’t be able to stop it happening either. Continue reading →