Addicted to Fantasy

BDSM dark erotic storiesA friend of mine is in therapy for sex addiction at the request of his girlfriend. Well, actually request isn’t really the right word. She has, apparently, told him that if he doesn’t “get help soon” then she’s leaving him. (I have to add that although I have met the girlfriend on a few occasions I have never chatted this intimately with her so this is only his side of things.) According to the girlfriend, it is not normal to only want to climax when engaging in some type of kinky sex; he should be able to have a very satisfactory orgasm while making love because if he really loves her he shouldn’t need anything else.

When my friend told me this I was puzzled. I have never believed that there was anything wrong with adventurous sex as long as it is between consenting adults and all that. But I started to wonder where the line is between having fun in the bedroom and becoming dependent on external stimuli to have a good time.

There are dozens of online websites and forums dedicated to sex. Some of them feed the hunger that many of us have and some of them try and cure us of it. One article I found claims that sexual fantasies can be like junk food; the more you eat the more you want and the only really healthy thing to do is to try and wean yourself off it completely. They give the example of a man whose wife refused to have anal sex. He spent years fantasizing about having anal sex with other women and it made him more and more miserable until finally he gave up the fantasy completely and focused on what he already had. He was then a lot happier. That’s nice, and I would have to agree with this attitude had his fantasy been about bringing home 18 year old identical twins for a foursome with his wife. But anal sex? Is that really such an unreasonable request for a husband to make of his wife? If he was truly miserable for years and almost unfaithful twice, why couldn’t she just agree to at least try it? It opens up an interesting question about ‘spousal duties’ in the bedroom.

Ideally, of course, we find ourselves equally matched in the bedroom with a partner who is more or less into the same type of sexually activity as we are. But for those who have sexual fantasies that are not shared by their significant others, what are they expected to do? Should someone with a fetish try to ‘cure’ him or herself of it? Rather than looking for porn, role-play or erotica to feed the fantasy, should they concentrate on looking for ways to find vanilla sex completely fulfilling?

And perhaps sexual fantasies are always unhealthy. After all, even between a couple who share the same fantasy, they basically mean that the couple are aroused more by the fantasy than by each other. Maybe sexual fantasies are even dangerous. They make us feel so good that we seek out ever more dramatic, imaginative and extreme ways to fulfill the fantasies and get the high that they give us. We become addicted, and that can’t be healthy.

But does that mean we should all be striving to rid ourselves of these terrible sexual fantasy addictions? I think not, unless of course the fantasies lead to an illegal act or make the person’s life completely miserable. Otherwise, I really do not see why we shouldn’t indulge in and enjoy our perversions to the full!

I hope my friend find answers with his therapist. In the meantime, I think I will continue enjoying my fantasies in every way possible and if that’s terribly unhealthy and bad, awfully wrong and dangerous… then good. That just makes it all the more exciting!


Edit 2017: I wrote this article a few years ago and I am still friends with the man whose girlfriend told him to see a therapist. He told me that the therapy was going really well so I was shocked when, about six months later, he phoned me up to say that he’d made a huge mistake, didn’t know what to do, and how could he fix this mess because his girlfriend had just left him. The poor man was in tears! He went on to explain that he had been having an affair and was too embarrassed to tell me about it but his girlfriend had just found out and dumped him. It took him about six months to accept that he and his ex just weren’t compatible. At first he desperately wanted to win her back but, luckily for him, she wouldn’t give him a second chance. It was difficult for me to see him suffer but I was also sure that he’d be much happier with someone else.

We slowly drifted apart after that, seeing each other less often, and rarely speaking on the phone. But we’re friends on Facebook and I smiled each time I saw him post a pic of a new girl and I smiled even more broadly when I noticed that, after a while, it was always the same girl on the photos with him.

And a few days ago – which is what inspired me to update this page – I got a phone call from my friend asking me for advice on how to propose to his girlfriend! After congratulating him, I said he should propose in a way that would mean something special to both of them. I suggested thinking of something that, when they remembered the proposal in years to come, they would look at each other and feel a rush of happiness, sexiness and love. He laughed and said he knew exactly what that would be but wasn’t sure he dared do it. I asked him to tell me what he was thinking of doing but he wouldn’t. (The bastard! And if you’re reading this, please, please, please tell me what it is!!!) He just said that, if he did do it and his girlfriend became his fiancee and not his ex, then he’d invite me to the wedding and maybe, just maybe, he’d tell me then. So I guess I’ll just have to wait.

But in the meantime, I’m delighted that my friend proved it’s not a bad thing to have extreme sexual fantasies and it doesn’t mean a life of frustration in a vanilla relationship. If you find the right person to share your kinks with, you can explore and enjoy them together. And maybe fall in love and have an engagement story you won’t ever be able to tell your colleagues or parents-in-law!

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  1. Rozewolf says:

    I see nothing wrong with fantasies. Otherwise there would be a Huge genre of writing going straight down the drain. What I find interesting is the religious attitudes bleeding over into mainstream life and turning normal behavior into something to be treated medically. ‘Sex Addiction’ being one of them.

    Societies where there is the most repression have the highest rates of rape, porn and ‘medically treated’ illnesses relating to sex. Victorian England was a prime example of sexual repression. Sex is normal. Thinking or fantasizing during sex is normal! Gads! The days of laying back and “thinking of England” should be relegated to the past.

    • Charlotte says:

      Hi Rozewolf,

      Thanks for your comment! And I agree with you. I think that the more people are forced to conform to a single ‘ideal’ lifestyle, the more we want to – need to – rebel.

      (I have always thought that perhaps one of the reasons there are so many wild and different clothing styles in the UK is due to years of spending all day in a school uniform. When at last you get to wear exactly what you want, the temptation is to go a little crazy!)

      As you say, thinking or fantasizing during sex is normal and it saddens me that so many people are ashamed of their desires. Some claim that if a married man or woman happens to see an attractive person in the street and imagines having sex with him or her, it is exactly the same as cheating. That’s crazy!

    • Pascal says:

      Thanks for linking back, and I totllay agree about the BDSM. If we included the long conversations that would (and should!) happen before any rough play, it would be the most boring story ever! So, you like spanking, but no canes? Okay, gotcha. Also, how much aftercare do you prefer? I don’t think so .We want our real life sex to be safe, sane and consensual, but sometimes we like to live dangerously in our fantasies (only!)

  2. Bren says:

    As usual, you have piqued my interest here, Charlotte. I think that fantasies are amazing, but do recognize that they may have addictive capacity.

    I am not an expert on fantasy, nor on addiction, but I do believe it is true that if a stimulus (drug, cigarette, alcohol, kinky fantasy about meeting a stranger and fucking her in the filthy washroom a Starbucks while others wait in the queue) leads to stronger and more frequent need for stimuli and if the stimulus interferes with one’s regular activities/life, that may be indicative of a true addiction.

    If I am fucking my wife and the only way that I can keep my arousal is through fantasy, then I have lost something. There is nothing wrong with roleplay, nor with enjoying a little fantasy. In fact, that is probably healthy on occasion. However, when I have to close my eyes and imagine another woman or what I would be doing to her, that is not, in my opinion, healthy.

    Another question to consider is something you allude to. Does a completed action/fantasy lead to feelings of guilt? A person who has a compulsive eating disorder who gorges him/herself on five chocolate cakes typically feels guilt and self loathing immediately following. If one’s fantasy completion causes the same guilt and self loathing, that cannot be healthy. I am not talking merely about the guilt one may feel about stepping outside the marital circumstance that may follow completed fantasy of meeting a stranger for the casual sex (perhaps that anal if the wife will not provide). I am speaking of self loathing and hatred. That can never be good. Sex should make you feel good, not hate yourself.

    I do look forward to a post on “spousal duties”. Just keep it in line with the amazing things you already post. I, for one, do not need another forum on how to improve my relationships.


    • Charlotte says:

      Hi Bren,

      You make an important point – that there is a problem when fantasy crosses the line from being an exciting extra in our sex lives, to being something we cannot live without. But what surprised me about my friend is that he is apparently being told that he should be just as excited by the idea of making gentle love as he is by taking his woman roughly from behind, for example. Why?

      I think that fantasies can lead to guilt in some people, yes. I have never had a problem with liking the things I do, but I know that some people spend years trying to come to terms with their kinks. It’s such a shame. But I wonder, if some things weren’t so taboo, would they still be as exciting?

      A post on spousal duties? Hmm, that could be interesting! But I promise not to turn it into a self-help how-to guide!

  3. nilla says:

    its funny, i was thinking about sex addiction the other day. Wondered if i was. But then i thought…hell, i’m an *animal*….and it’s a biological function…

    the fantasy part is my human-ness….

    the dark and dirty thoughts that “get me off”…are not hallmarks of ‘addiction’…but merely electrical impulses, images, that my body uses to surrender to its penultimate force…orgasm.

    i won’t, i refuse, to feel guilty for being sexual.
    There’s not a darned thing wrong with it.

    • Charlotte says:

      Well said!!!

      If people didn’t waste so much time and energy feeling guilty about things that are perfectly normal and natural, we’d all have a lot more fun! I guess the difficulty is knowing what it is right to feel guilty about and what we should allow ourselves to indulge in guilt-free.

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