Hi again! I just have to quickly tell you about last night before I go and walk around the mansion to see if I’m needed. I had a strange evening last night and I know it will help me if I can write about it.
The first man to talk to me was awful! Oh my gosh, he was strange! I don’t know if it was the way he talked but he just annoyed me so much and I couldn’t help being bad. I can’t believe I got away with everything I did, now that I think about it. I was just so upset that none of the nice men I’ve met recently were around and that this man was ordering me about, telling me to take my clothes off, and just being really aggressive but not in a physical way. I don’t know. I just got angry and something about him, yes, that was it, it was something about him made me think I could get away with being down right rude to him.
You know what I mean? Different men just give off different – I don’t know how to explain it – different auras or something. It’s not really what they say but how they say it and the message their body language and especially their eyes gives while they’re saying it. Mr. Negulesco, is a perfect example of what I mean. Everything he says, whether it’s cruel and mean or gentle and kind is, somehow, filled to bursting with authority. Something about the way he looks at me, or the way he speaks to me, makes all his words seem powerful. He could ask me to go get him a drink in a soft, sweet way or he could shout the order in a loud, gruff voice. The result would be exactly the same; he would be obeyed.
On the other hand, some men stomp around and demand to be called master and want you kneeling and begging and naked (I always feel naked in front of Mr. Negulesco, even when I’m fully dressed) and they think they are so strong and dominant but really they are small and weak. I feel I could, if I dared, start to slowly flirt a little, be coy a little, bit by bit get the upper hand and then I would be the one running the show! Yup, it really feels like that with some men. Admittedly, there aren’t many of those types of males here at the Retreat but I have known many before I came here. And even here, you get some like that. Some just don’t seem believable. Some just don’t ooze power and authority like others.
Anyway, I didn’t mean to turn this entry into a long philosophical essay! I’ll get back to the details of the evening now.
So, this man whose name I don’t know and I didn’t care to find out was ordering me around and I really didn’t want him to touch me. I started shouted at him! Can you believe it? Everyone in the room turned around to stare and it almost made me scared enough to behave. Almost! Tee tee! I was so bad. And, you know (oh my gosh I hope none of the men ever find this dairy; I will have to be super-careful!) once I get away with something it shows me that I can try and get away with even more. And I did!
My friend Alex (Who I’ll tell you about in a moment) appeared and I was so pleased to see her. I really wanted to go and chat with her and she was all by herself by the bar and I just wanted to spend some time with her and not with this man. So I said I was going to go over there! He tried to stop me of course and had me kneeling and stuff and naked and all that but, I don’t know what happened, suddenly he said I could go over to see her. He handed me my clothes back. I was really confused. And worried for a moment but he just smiled and thanked me for a nice time and said I could dress and leave. We hadn’t even done anything! He’d only hugged me. I looked over at Alex and smiled, then when I looked back the man was gone. So weird.
So I pulled my clothes back on and went to see Alex. But I didn’t get to chat with her for long, of course, before another man started talking to us.
This one was very, very different however. I had seen him with another girl earlier in the evening and I think he’d asked Alex about me. There was something about him that I can’t quite put my finger on. He was really polite and civil with Alex and I. And, when he playfully slapped our bottoms I giggled! I didn’t mind at all. I can’t explain how I hate it when some men touch me yet when others do the same thing it feels fine. I was so impressed by this man that I asked him what his name was because I had already decided I’d need to write about him to you, my dear Diary! I quickly made sure I corrected my language and asked the man what he’d like me to call him and he playfully told me off for addressing him without saying Sir. (Some men here don’t require me to do that so I’m certainly not going to do it unless I’m told to. Or I want to. Which in this case, I was very happy to.) Then he said I should call him Sir Jeff.
So, now I have met another kind, gentlemanly man here. Alex asked me (after Sir Jeff had left) how I can be so happy considering the circumstances we find ourselves in. I told her that it really depends on the men I meet and that some aren’t really so bad. Some can even be fun! I also confessed to her that I write my thoughts and feelings down in a diary and that really helps me to get everything sorted out in my head. I probably shouldn’t have told her because it’s dangerous to let anyone know about this but I really wanted to help her. Poor sweetie, she’s suffering. There is something that she isn’t telling me, I think, something that makes her so sad. She seems lost, distant, like a part of her is so far away. She hasn’t been here quite so long as I have so maybe she just hasn’t had time to adjust. But, I really wanted to help her last night and, because writing this all down is so therapeutic for me, I thought maybe it could help her too.
Wow, I’ve babbled on much more than I thought I would! Oops! I’d better sign off now and go and see what’s happening in the lobby.
Bye bye, sweet diary, thank you for listening!
Clara xxxSee More of Charlotte & Clara: