What’s going on? I am so confused and so scared. As you can see by the fact that I’m able to write this to you, my dear sweet friend-diary, all is okay now and I am back at Taun’s house. I hate to frighten you as much as I was terrified but I have to tell you the details of the last few days. Some of them might make you feel ill and I’m really sorry if it’s difficult to read but I need to tell someone; I need to get it all out and you are my only friend.
I woke up at the Retreat. I have no idea how I got there. The last thing I remember is Taun untying me and holding me close in a wonderful hug that I wanted to stay in forever. What he had done to me had made my body react in ways I didn’t know it could and, while I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that I sort of like most of what he does to me, I couldn’t deny that at that moment every part of me felt amazing and alive and oh so good.
What had happened next? I honestly don’t remember going to bed or anything that happened after that. All I know is that when I woke up I was cold and lying on the grass in front of the Mansion. Thankfully whoever had brought me there had dressed me in underwear so I was’t completely naked as I had been at Taun’s. Which is an odd thing too. Mr. Negulesco has forbidden me to wear anything other than panties and a bra and that is exactly what I was wearing when I woke up. How did the person who dressed me know that I had to wearing those garments?
The awful events of the past two days are almost a blur; so many things happened to me. I wish everything would blur completely but I know I will remember their names and faces forever. I will try and write the details down as clearly and in as chronological order I can, so that it’s not too confusing for you to read and understand. There were three men, four if you count Taun. Yes, Taun hurt me. I still can’t completely believe what he did to me and it only adds to my confusion about the past few days. Oh, why can’t I just wake up the day before I made that stupid stroll onto the grounds of the Retreat? (And I promise you that I will tell you how I came to be here, in the first place, but that will definitely have to wait until I have written all this.)
Okay, I have put it off long enough. Here goes…
I was still not quite awake when I heard a man’s voice talking to me and a pair of black shoes came into my line of vision. He asked me what I was doing and told me that he wanted a drink. I made my usual attempts at stalling, while trying not to appear too rude, and he asked me some questions. At first I thought I must be dreaming because he spoke so strangely, asking me if I had experience being tied up and if I would let him tie me up. I was still trying to figure out how I was even there but then he reassured me that he wouldn’t hurt me, he really did just want to tie me up. I told him that I knew I didn’t have a say in the matter but that I wanted him to know I didn’t like being here and I didn’t want to be here at all. And then he said it. The stupid lie that always gets to me. I know it’s never going to be true! I know that no man will really actually set me free from here. But, maybe, just possibly, one of them could? I can’t help doing what I do even if the chances that he is really telling the truth are so slim. I can’t help believing that one day one of them will be telling the truth.
The man promised me that he would talk to Mr. Negulesco about letting me leave. He assured me that he only wanted to look at me tied up in his ropes and maybe just grope me a little but that it would be over really quickly and then he would go straight to see Mr. Negulesco. He said I looked like a very nice, sweet girl who shouldn’t be here if she doesn’t want to be.
It felt very strange, calmly doing as he instructed, turning around and holding my wrists together so that he could bind them. He started to coil the rope all around me and I tried to stay calm but it is not easy to do that when you know that you are becoming more and more helpless. I hate being tied up. I hate not being able to move at all; it is so frightening. I know that I can’t get away from the men here at the Retreat and in the end they can do what they want with me but actually being physically tied up as well is so much more terrifying.
The ropes wrapped round my arms, tummy, legs then between my legs. I felt his arms gently help me into a sitting position and then he fastened the last of the rope tightly around my ankles. It was better having my legs together than spread apart as they too often are, but I still felt afraid so restricted in this way. His hands began to move all over my skin and I was very grateful that he had allowed me to keep my underwear on. Maybe he did just want to grope me. Maybe he really would talk to Mr. Negulesco! I really believed he would or I would have fought much harder and not just stood there while he tied me up.
As his hands roamed all over my body he talked to me, almost making polite conversation! He asked me my name and when I asked for his he told me it was Steve. Just Steve! Not Sir, or Master or anything like that! I really started to actually relax, despite being completely immobilized and feeling a stranger’s hands touch me almost everywhere. I remember making a little sound and actually asked me if I was okay and if the ropes were too tight! In reality, it was his hands touching me that made me whimper but I didn’t admit that to him!
It was almost, just almost starting to feel good. I know that sounds crazy but, I was tied with my legs tight together so I didn’t have to worry about him touching me too intimately and I still had my bra on and he didn’t seem interested in trying to slide his hand under it. My body slowly got used to his hands and his voice began to make me feel happy as he chatted politely.
After quite a while I softly asked him if he was going to be much longer. I definitely didn’t say it in a rude or bad way; I chose my words very carefully. But he had said it would be quick and it had already been over an hour and I was starting to get pins and needles.
And then he said it. He laughed at me as he groped me and said that he I was too trusting and that he planned on keeping me like this and playing with me for quite a while. I started to cry and struggle and begged him to let me go and asked him if he was still planning on speaking to Mr. Negulesco. He laughed again and even blamed me for being too nice and too trusting and it was my fault that I believed a man here at the Retreat.
I threatened to tell Mr. Negulesco that he had hurt me and that if I struggled too much the ropes would cut and damage me and that Mr. Negulesco would be furious. But he just said that Mr. Negulesco doesn’t care what happens to me. That hurt more than his lies.
I started screaming and shouting at him. Then he pulled out a gag and although I promised to be quiet from then on he tied it tightly around my head, forcing the horrible, smelly ball into my mouth as he did so.
And then his hands were all over me again, but this time it didn’t feel at all good. It felt awful and frightening and his smile and laugh was humiliating. He even asked me if I was enjoying the ropes. I managed to bring my legs up at that point and kick him but he pinched me hard and I didn’t have the strength to try and do anything else to defend myself. What would be the point? I would only suffer more.
He touched my breasts, my tummy, my bottom, my legs, my feet. I looked away, not wanting to see his smile or the look in his eyes as he enjoyed me and my humiliation. I had no idea how long he would keep doing that or if he would start doing something worse.
But then suddenly he stood up, thanked me for the fun afternoon, and told me he was going to get a bite to eat and would be back to untie me later. I just stared at him then, not believing he was going to leave me like that, tied up, miserable, uncomfortable and at the mercy of any other man who came along. And I knew it wouldn’t be long before one did.
I curled up and made myself as comfortable as possible and I must have eventually fallen asleep. I vaguely remember laughter and someone untying me but I kept my eyes tightly closed, hoping that maybe they’d think I was still asleep and just possibly leave me along. For once, I was lucky, and I was left to fall asleep again.
That evening however, I was not so lucky…
And, my dear friend, I will have to pause at this point in my narration. I am still exhausted from my ordeal and writing this has been difficult for me. Taun is busy and doesn’t need me so I will take a nap for a while. But I promise to return to you as soon as possible to tell you about what happened next. Although you probably won’t like it any more than I did.See More of Charlotte & Clara: