Hello again, my dearest darling diary! I am back and will now continue telling you about my first few weeks living in Bren’s little attic room.
As I said in my last entry, I woke up one morning to find Bren in my room, sitting by my bed and staring at me. He reassured me that he wouldn’t hurt me as he slowly pulled the bed covers down so that I was lying there in only the short, white, lacy nightdress that I wore most nights. (Some nights he told me to sleep with no clothes on and when I asked him why he told me it was important for me to learn to do as he said and not always ask questions. If he was going to keep me safe I would have to learn to trust him.)
I remember feeling a little frightened and confused because I had been living in Bren’s house for a few weeks by that time and he had never given me any cause to worry or suspect that he would be dangerous. But looking into his eyes on that morning I saw something really dark and intense and it scared me.
He reached towards me very slowly. I don’t know why I didn’t try and move away or stop him. I still don’t understand that. It wasn’t the chain holding my leg; I think it was the look in his eyes. Something made me immobile. His hand touched my neck very softly and as soon as it did I felt a strange sensation tingle all through me. It was like an electric tickle all down my spine. I remember starting to breathe more deeply as his hand – it was such a large strong hand – encircled my throat and for a second I was terrified that he would press down and strangle me. He must have seen the fear in my eyes because he loosened his grip and then his hand trailed slowly – oh, he moved so slowly – down my body until he was touching my breast. I had been so scared that he was about to kill me that I almost didn’t realize that he was touching me inside my nightdress. He cupped my breast with his hand!
I finally was able to move then and I remember sitting up quickly in bed, thus pulling away from his hand, and staring at him in shock. At first his stare was angry and I was worried that I had offended him or something. But then he smiled softly – oh, how I remember that gentle smile! – and he simply leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead then left the room.
When I saw Bren again the next day I remember blushing, thinking about his hand on my breast. He didn’t try to touch me again for many days and at first I was relieved, then I was sad, then I was confused that I was sad. Did I actually want him to try and touch me again? I started thinking so many strange thoughts about him and each time he got closer to me I could smell him and feel him and … I think I actually started to really want him. Isn’t that awful! It’s true that he’s a very handsome man but I hardly knew him and I scolded myself for having such thoughts about the man who was kind enough to help me when I needed it.
To this day, I cannot be sure if what happened next was real or a dream.
It was the middle of the night and I woke slowly as I realized someone was in my room. It was dark and I couldn’t see much at all but I recognized Bren’s voice as he said, “Shhh, it’s only me. You are still asleep. You are dreaming. Lie still. Do not move.” I think it really must have been a dream because you know how when you’re asleep your brain won’t let you actually act out your dreams which is why our bodies stay in bed even though our brains are dreaming that we’re walking etc?
I closed my eyes and obeyed the dream voice. I don’t know if it’s because I wanted it to happen or because I was so used to obeying Bren’s voice. Maybe both. But, oh my dear diary, it was amazing!
Bren touched me everywhere and I could feel his fingers caressing, his lips kissing, his tongue licking me all over my body and – this is difficult to admit to even you my sweet friend, but I ended up begging him, yes, begging him for more!
But, he stopped. Or, I woke up. I’m not sure. Through my desperate pleas and moans I heard his soft voice, “Clara, you have to wake up now. I will leave. But maybe, if you are good, I will return. Would you like more?”
And the next thing I remember moaning, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!” and then feeling someone shaking me vigorously as if to try and wake me. I opened my eyes and Bren was sitting on the floor staring at me with concern in his eyes. “Clara, are you okay? You were screaming in your sleep. I could hear you from downstairs! Were you having a bad dream?” And then his eyes moved up and down my body as we both realized I was lying there completely naked, the covers long since kicked completely off the bed.
Bren had a habit of looking at me with one eyebrow raised and that was the first time I saw him do it. I must have blushed from toe to tip lying there naked, still panting, and no doubt smelling of my naughty desires.
Then Bren smiled at me and said, “Would you like some more?” and my face must have been a real picture as I stuttered and blushed more and tried to find a reply to the question I was scared he was asking. “More water? You had asked me for a glass of cool water just before falling asleep. I brought you some but I see that the glass is empty now so, would you like some more? Water?”
“Oh, yes, water.” I replied, desperately trying to regain composer. I didn’t remember asking for water but I guess I must have because, looking at the little wooden bedside table I saw that there was indeed an empty glass there.
A few more weeks passed, I think, and nothing else strange happened. Every time I saw Bren after my “dream” I blushed remembering and sometimes I could have sworn that he winked at me or looked down at my chest in a way that was not quite right. But I had just decided that it must have really been a dream and started to relax and again in his company when Bren tried to touch me again.
This time we were enjoying a light lunch together and chatting about this and that when suddenly the look in Bren’s eyes changed and he told me to stand up. Puzzled, I did so. Then he told me to go and stand against the wall with my palms touching the wall and to not look around, or move, or speak. Still very confused, I did as he told me.
I remember hearing his footsteps approach me and knowing he was standing right behind me. I had no idea what he was going to do though and I admit that I suddenly remembered my dream and it had a very peculiar effect on me. I’m embarrassed to say that when I felt his hand lightly touch the back of my neck I made a little sound which was sort of like a whimper! Then I felt his warm breath on my cheek and he started to speak to me. His voice was really low; so quiet I could barely make out the words.
“Don’t move, breath deeply, don’t close your eyes, look only straight ahead, I’m going to touch you, my hands will caress your body, everywhere, don’t think, don’t react, don’t stop…”
I can remember desperately trying to obey his commands but my eyelids felt so heavy all of a sudden and I just wanted to collapse to the bed and lie down and let him… Yes! I did want him to touch me. How had that happened?
I felt his hand slide down, across my breast and nipple then to my tummy and he didn’t stop! Why couldn’t I stop him? Why didn’t I at least tell him that he shouldn’t be doing this? Because he’s told me not to speak? I felt his fingers glide under my panties and then between my legs and I almost fell to the floor when he touched me – you know – there! But I just couldn’t seem to do anything except what he had told me to do which was nothing.
His fingers were inside me and oh, it felt amazing! It shouldn’t have felt that good. He shouldn’t be doing it. One hand was touching my nipple and oh, he wouldn’t stop tweaking and playing and teasing and pinching and the other hand was moving in and out of me and then sometimes playing and rubbing and moving slowly then quickly and all around and swirling and swimming and …
Oh! Something happened that I just couldn’t believe and you can probably guess what it was. It was amazing and incredible! Please don’t make me admit it out loud to you, dear sweet diary. And please don’t be shocked or offended or think that I am the sort of girl who looks for this type of thing. I don’t know how it all happened. And I couldn’t stop it from happening nor could I prevent my body reacting the way it did.
I was panting hard, leaning against the wall for support now, not just because Bren had told me to do so. He stepped back and there was no more touching. He told me to turn around and face him which I did, although meeting his gaze was very, very hard. His smile confused me, as it always did; I could never tell if it was actually a smile or a sneer. But his words warmed me, in ways that I won’t admit to, “You did well, Clara, I am pleased with you.” And then he walked out the room, stopping just before he reached the door. He spoke with his back to me, so I can’t really be sure of what he said and although I asked him to repeat it he just left. “Would you like more?”
The next time something happened with Bren it was completely different. It was horrible. It took me quite a while to get over that and I still don’t really feel ready to revisit the memory so I apologize my dear friend, but you’ll have to wait a while for that story. Besides, it’s late now and I should go and see if I am needed at the house. It will be strange seeing the men after seeing Bren again in my memory. Despite all he did to me I would give so much to see him again.