Oh diary, last night was awful! I don’t know what to do; I’m such a confused mess now. Just when everything was starting to be wonderful and I had a lovely outing to look forward to and maybe even the chance of escape from this terrible place… now all I can think of is what happened last night and I can’t even manage to feel happy or to daydream about the wonderful Sir Jeff.
It’s bad enough when one man is there. When I have only one man at a time to cope with. But last night, there were two. Oh, they didn’t touch or hurt me, much. Not physically. But I am bruised and beaten and broken today by what they said and did, nonetheless.
I was sitting on the rug by the fireplace in the Mansion. It had started to get just a little chilly outside and as I’d spent all night lying on the grass, dreaming of the amazing Sir Jeff, I felt like going inside to sit by the fire for a while. I wish I had stayed outside or at least gone into another room or anywhere else in the grounds which would have prevented me from meeting the man I met last night. I think. I don’t know. I’m so confused! I hated, just absolutely hated how they treated me last night but… now I feel… oh, I don’t know how I feel and it all makes no sense at all.
The fire wasn’t even lit anyway. I should have gone somewhere else. But once I had sat down on the ridiculously soft rug I just didn’t want to get up. (That rug must be worth a fortune; it is so incredibly soft and smooth and silky.) A man approached and started talking to me before sitting down on one of the sofas that surround the fireplace. He knew my name but I didn’t remember seeing him there before. That used to unnerve and surprise me but it happens so often that I have stopped caring; there are too many men coming and going at the Retreat for me to know who has heard my name or who I’ve even talked to or interacted with. I don’t want to think about that. About how many men have seen me naked, have touched me, have… No. I can’t think about it especially the way I’m feeling at the moment because I’ll get too sad and depressed.
I didn’t know the man’s name and I didn’t care to. He seemed to be one of the easy, push-over ones. Do you know what I mean? I thought there were two types of men who come to the Retreat but there are maybe three or four. I used to see them as either being good, kind, gentle or bad, mean, rough. But there are also what I could call the intellectual ones versus the push-over ones. I’m not sure you understand, dear diary, so I will give you an example using the man we both know: Mr. Negulesco. He is complicated because he’s sometimes in the nice category and sometimes in the nasty; he can be kind to me and he can also be cruel. But, he is most definitely in the intellectual group. Sir Liam, remember him? He is one of the intellectuals too. As is Cody. Maybe I should say strong versus weak, rather than intellectual versus push-over because I don’t like to think of Cody as being intellectual; he’s so horrible but he’s definitely not a push-over.
What I’m trying to say – and I hope it’s not too muddled but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is because I’m feeling so very confused today – is that a man can be kind or cruel and he can also be strong or weak (not physically but intellectually) and I thought that the man last night was one of the easy, push-over, weak ones with whom I could do or say almost whatever I wanted and still get away with it. Yes, I think that’s what I’m trying to say. Thank you my dear friend, you have helped me sort out my poor little head once again!
So, now that I’ve figured out what I’m trying to say, I have to sign off!!! Typical. But I will be back with the rest of the story later, I promise, because I still need to tell you about the man from last night and Mr. Negulesco was there too. I have attached a quick photo to this entry. I took it last night just before falling asleep. Can you see the tears? I cry too often but that will change once I’m free. Once Sir Jeff has taken me away from here. Yes! Thank you! I am feeling better now. I can dream about my upcoming evening with a wonderful man who is both kind and strong. The best sort!