Yes, my sweet friend, Mr. Negulesco has finally completely broken me and I am ready to tell you now how he did it.
It happened a few weeks ago, before I got sick and this, along with the other encounter which I have still to tell you about, probably contributed to my falling ill. Once you’ve finished reading them both you will understand why I am so quiet now and why I couldn’t bring myself to talk about these events while I was still recovering from my illness.
I’ll start with Mr. Negulesco because I wrote to you last about Mr. Kozlov and I need a little more time before I can think about him again. Oh please let me meet another man here soon, someone a little kinder. I know that I’ll never meet a wonderful man who will save me and take me away and love me forever but at least please let me be used by a man who isn’t so cruel as these two. Neither men actually physically hurt me this time but the cruelty was sharp, deep, and will be very long lasting.
Okay, here goes.
I was standing in the back room and had decided to walk outside. There was no one around indoors and although I could have happily stayed there I knew I should at least make it look as though I was actively seeking out a man to please. And it was a beautiful day so I thought that a stroll outside would be pleasant.
I heard footsteps behind me but I was already walking out the door so I pretended not to have heard them and sped up my step.
I looked up, surprised and afraid, wondering who I had collided with and there, glaring down at me with his terrifying dark eyes, was Mr. Negulesco himself.
“Where are you going in such a hurry?”
Fear enveloped me and I stood frozen to the spot. I took me a few moments to speak.
“I… I was just going to look for a man to-”
“No you weren’t. But I’ll deal with your lies another time. Come back inside the house with me. We have things to discuss.”
I tried not to see the way he looked me up and down. Did he just lick his lips? It had been a while since the last time I saw him but each time all the memories seemed to come flooding back. I never knew how he would treat me but this evening he seemed very angry and I had a horrible feeling that it wasn’t only because I had just collided with him.
I had no idea what he could be talking about and my mind whirled with so many frightening thoughts as I followed him into the house.
He walked slowly and with purpose, through the back room, then past the armchairs arranged around a low table in a sort of living room area, then around and up the first flight of stairs. I followed in silence, taking two or three steps to each of his large strides. I figured he was going to take me to the bedroom but we made a right at the top of the staircase and my heart began to beat even faster.
“Where are we going?” I dared to ask. I couldn’t not ask. Mr. Negulesco is the most unpredictable man I have ever known and that is only one of the reasons I fear him. It should have been obvious to me that if I thought he was taking me to one room, he would in fact be leading me elsewhere.
“I hear you’ve been talking out of school, slut. Sharing information with others,” he said, ignoring my question and walking towards the next staircase. My pulse raced. No, he couldn’t be taking me to the third floor. Please no!
“What do you mean, Mr. Negulesco? What information? I haven’t spoken to anyone about anything… I don’t know anything to be able to tell anyone… Please tell me where you’re taking me. I’m frightened.”
He stopped walking for a moment, turned around, and grinned at me.
“Good. You’re so cute when you’re scared.”
I think I began to cry then. I can’t remember exactly when the tears started, but it was probably when I knew without any doubt that he was taking me up to the third floor. Terrified, I began to pull back, ignoring the pain in my arm as his grip tightened. I’d be bruised badly there but I didn’t care. All I cared about was avoiding whatever he had planned for me that evening. I had no idea that he wasn’t going to hurt my body; it was my heart, my mind and my soul that would be forever damaged.
“Please… please don’t take me to the third floor… I’ve never been there before… please… you can’t!”
“Shut up, whore. I can do what I want.”
As we approached the door I tried to tell myself that maybe it wasn’t so bad; maybe the rumors, stories, and even the screams I’d heard were just to scare me into behaving (as they had indeed been very successful in doing on many occasions).
“Welcome to the attic.”
Mr. Negulesco held the door open for me and indicated that I should enter. I did so, trembling so much I thought I’d collapse at any moment. I looked around slowly, my eyes taking in the various machines, apparatus, and equipment. Some pieces I couldn’t even understand how they would be used and I didn’t want to find out.
“Please… please don’t… don’t do whatever it is you’re going to do to me. I really don’t know what information you think I may have given out but I promise I haven’t said anything to anyone on purpose!”
Mr. Negulesco stepped very close to me and caressed the side of my face gently with his hand. He wiped away a tear that was running down my cheek and smiled at me. When he spoke next his voice was soft and smooth and I found myself leaning into the palm of his large hand as it continued to gently caress my face. I so wanted him to be good to me, to be kind and to like me.
“Ah, but you did. You told that man that he was only renting you. You shared our conversation with a gentleman of the Retreat and you spoke about another gentleman while you were with him. Those are two very, very bad fuck ups.”
My brain tried so hard to figure out what and who he was talking about. Renting? He must be referring to the contract with Taun but who was the other man?
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Negulesco, I’m confused. I don’t know wh-”
I felt the slap to my cheek so much more sharply than I should have. Tears sprang to my already wet eyes and I stared up at Mr. Negulesco in shock and fear. He was glaring at me.
“Don’t play stupid with me. I’m taking about Taun, you dumb cunt, and you know it. Taun came here the other day, crying like a little girl, whining and complaining that the gentlemen all thought he was only renting you and hadn’t bought you. Now where would he have gotten that idea from, do you think?”
“Taun? He was here? He came for me?”
For a very short moment, my fear and confusion were replaced by hope. Taun! All memories of how he had treated me recently seemed to fade and all I could think of was how happy we’d once been and how I longed to see him. I suddenly felt desperate to see him again and missed him so, so much. But seeing Mr. Negulesco still glaring at me I knew I had to try and defend myself.
“But, it’s the truth! I wasn’t there when you wrote and signed the contract and I really don’t know if Taun did actually buy me from you or if he’s just renting me. And I certainly haven’t spoken about that with anyone here I haven’t even… oh…” I looked down, suddenly realizing who I did tell and then I had yet one more reason to hate Mr. Kozlov.
I heard Mr. Negulesco laugh.
“Taun has been here, yes, but it wasn’t for you. I wouldn’t pin any hopes on that guy ever coming back for you again. Whether he owns you or rents you, I’d say he has abandoned you and who can blame him? I mean, think about it. Why would he want a slut who’s been fucked by so many men when he could easily get one with much less mileage?”
I wish I hadn’t looked up into his face as he said those words. I’ll never forget his sneer. It was a hateful mix of self-satisfaction, pleasure, and loathing if you can even image such an expression.
I was suddenly filled with despair then anger. My fists were tight balls at my sides and I swear I almost punched him although I probably was very far off actually doing that. I couldn’t stop the words as they poured out of me and I shouted at him, “And why have been… used… by so many men? Because of you! You make me do it! It’s all your fault! I could have been happy with Taun; we could have been really happy together. We were in love!”
Mr. Negulesco was no longer sneering at me. He was laughing and that was even worse.
“Do you really believe what you’re saying? Do you really, honestly think you deserve to be loved? I mean, you’re no good at anything, are you? You fucked up with Taun, and now he hates the mere sight of you. You’re useless to any of the men here who only expect one simple thing of you. You never do as you’re told, you’re always talking back, and you still insist on pretending you’re not a slut when clearly that’s all you are. Taun didn’t love you; nobody loves you. And you’re a huge disappointment to me, Clarise.”
I stared at him for what felt like hours. It was as if he had stuck a needle into my veins and with each of his carefully chosen words he had slowly drained every drop of my life essence out of me until I was empty. I had nothing left.
“Please call me Clara. Please.” My voice was tiny and I was sobbing again. His words had wounded me so badly I needed something, anything, to help me begin to heal. But he wasn’t going to give it to me.
He shrugged. “You see what I mean? Always complaining and arguing. Enough talk. Come with me. It’s time for your lesson.”
He grabbed me by the upper arm and dragged me across the room. I couldn’t struggle; l had no energy and I wasn’t even scared then. My mind was reeling from his words and it couldn’t make room for anything else.
Was it really my fault that Taun hates me now? Was there no hope for me with him or with any other man? Was I really useless at everything? Except perhaps at being a slut but even that I couldn’t seem to get right. Mr. Negulesco is an important man. He owns and runs the whole Retreat! He has other businesses too, I believe, and he’s very rich. I know those things don’t necessarily mean that he knows everything but he must know enough about his work to have made it the incredible success it is. He must have known when he saw me that first day. Surely someone as successful as he is couldn’t make such a simple mistake as to misjudge a girl. The Retreat runs so smoothly. It’s probably illegal; almost certainly illegal but that’s yet another piece of proof that Mr. Negulesco is clever because he manages to keep everything running despite – or even maybe due to – the fact that I’m pretty sure some of the gentlemen here are politicians, police officers, lawyers and wealthy business men. And most of the girls are happy here, if not at first they soon get used to it and at least accept their new lives while some even relish them. So he must be really good at choosing the right girls to live her. But not me? Why can’t I accept and embrace my new life too? Either Mr. Negulesco made a mistake when he tricked me into staying here – which is highly unlikely for the reasons I’ve just stated – or, he’s right, and I am totally useless at even the simple task of being a slut.
I realized we had stopped moving. I was squinting in the bright daylight streaming in through the huge floor-to-ceiling bay window. I looked around, dazed. What was he going to do to me?
Then a sickening thought occurred to me. If he felt I was worthless would he… he wasn’t going to kill me, was he? Taun hates me, he hates me, no other man would ever love me. Maybe dying wouldn’t be so bad but… I didn’t want to die. I looked up at Mr. Negulesco, into his eyes, trying to read something, anything in them but they were just frightening, bottomless pits of darkness.
“Okay, now let’s get the bitch in her natural state shall we? Lose the clothes. Now.”
I undressed. I seemed to be moving on automatic pilot and could barely feel anything in my body; only my mind was still sobbing and hurting.
I heard him snicker.
“Look at you, following orders like a good girl. Nice. Shame I know it won’t last. If only it would.”
Was that a ray of hope? He had told me I was completely useless, even at being a slut, but could I possibly redeem myself if I did learn how to be obedient and obey without question? If I always did as I was told, would he give me another chance?
“I do try, Mr. Negulesco. I have always tried to be good. Please believe me, I don’t misbehave on purpose.”
“I know you try. But you’ll never succeed until you stop fighting your true nature.”
He reached out and pinched one of my nipples between his thumb and finger, then rolled it slowly. Sensations shot through me and I whimpered.
“You see. You are a slut and only when you admit, accept, and embrace that fact will you be happy. When that day comes, you will make me proud, Clara. But it will never come.”
My eyes widened. It would! I will! My head was swimming and it seemed as though he was saying my name over and over in a beautiful chorus that echoed in my mind.
I was filled with something that felt oddly like happiness. Until I saw the rope. What was he going to do to me? He’d said he would teach me a lesson. It looked as though he planned on tying me up but for what? To whip me, to let dozens of men use me?
“Please don’t hurt me, Mr. Negulesco. I promise I’ll try even harder, I really will. I know I can do it, I know I can be the girl you want me to be…”
Mr. Negulesco started to wrap the rope around my body, stopping every now and then to tie a tight and intricate knot. He continued in silence, and I didn’t dare interrupt him. At last he stood back to examine his work, nodded in apparent satisfaction, then looked at me.
“You see, you keep saying that, but you keep failing. You’ll never accept your true nature and you’ll never be happy.”
I let out a sharp yelp as suddenly I was hoisted up off the ground. I looked down at my body, naked except for the ropes that were coiled all around me. Despite my fear I had to admire his work; it was a masterpiece! I was held, suspended a few feet off the floor, completely immobile and at his mercy.
Mr. Negulesco swung me around so that I was facing the window. He stood behind me, reached around with his hands and began to squeeze and kneed my breasts roughly. It hurt. But his words hurt even more.
“Look out the window, Clarise. Do you see them? I told the gentlemen that you’d be on display here and they’ll be watching everything that happens. And of course it’s being videoed too, just in case anyone misses the live performance.”
I looked out the window and saw a small group of men looking up. I wasn’t sure how much they’d actually be able to see from down there but I knew that the two video cameras that Mr. Negulesco took great pleasure in pointing out to me would capture everything in appalling detail.
All my resolutions flew out that same huge window and I began begging. “Please don’t do this! You know how much I hate to be watched, to be seen naked, please…”
One of his hands had moved to between my legs while the other remained on my breast although thankfully now he wasn’t hurting me.
“You see that there, that’s what I mean! One minute you promise you’ll try harder and the next you are complaining about something that you don’t want, despite knowing very well that a man desires it.”
His touch was gentle but forceful as he pushed two fingers up inside me. His other hand had moved from my breast and was caressing my tummy, softly, then moving slowly back to the other breast, then straying up and around my neck, before returning to my breast once again. He pulled his fingers out and I’m sure I heard him chuckle as we both felt them slide with ease along my delicate lips, slick with moisture that should not have been there. I let out a soft moan and he laughed again.
“You need to stop fighting it. Accept your fate. Become the slut you fear to be; the slut you know deep down you are.”
“But, what if I’m really not like that?”
“Oh, but you are. You’re female, so you are inferior and are designed for one purpose only: to serve men.”
“Surely you don’t really believe that! I thought you only said those things as an insult. You can’t actually believe it.”
“I believe it because I know it to be true. It’s just the way of the world. Women are born to serve men. Three holes to be used however we wish. That is your entire purpose and the only reason you exist.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. How could he think such things? I just didn’t want to accept that he could be so shallow and callous.
“And… don’t you care how we feel? Doesn’t it matter if we don’t like the way you use our… holes?”
I couldn’t feel him touching me anymore. I was frightened. What was he going to do? I strained in my ropes, trying to turn around, trying to see what was happening or what was about to happen.
Then he walked around in front of me. He was holding something in his hand. I struggled and wriggled, trying to move back but could do nothing to stop him as he slowly pushed the large vibrator up inside me staring into my eyes as he did so.
“No, it doesn’t matter. What you think, feel, or want is completely irrelevant.”
Holding the toy in one hand he began slowly thrusting it in and out of me while he used his other hand to play between my legs. Then I heard a small click and the vibrations began to pulse through me.
Still fixing me with his eyes he added, “But I think that in your case, Clara, you do want it. Don’t you?”
His question was timed perfectly with the shudder that ran through my body and the sigh that escaped my lips. I was shaking my head, denying his words and I must have looked angry, hurt, and upset, but my treacherous body was responding to his touch and very obviously welcoming it.
He was right. He had been right all along. I could deny it as much I wanted but I couldn’t change what was the truth. I really was a slut.
He was looking at me, reading my soul.
“Say it, Clara. Tell me what you’ve learned tonight.”
I moaned, the sensations pulsing through me were so strong and felt so good. He was right. He knew it and now I too knew it.
“I’m a woman and therefore I’m nothing. I don’t matter. I really don’t matter. I’m just a slut. Nothing more.”
Click. The toy began buzzing faster and I moaned again. Looking into his eyes I saw through my tears that he was smiling at me and it was a warm and genuine smile. I felt so good.
“Yes, that’s right. Now you’re getting it. From now on you’re going to be a good, obedient little slut, aren’t you?”
I nodded and he clicked the button once more. I cried out with pleasure as the vibrator buzzed with yet more enthusiasm deep inside me and his fingers, so slick with my moisture, played in tiny circles round and around between my legs. Why was he doing this? Why was he making me feel so good? I had thought he was going to punish me but this felt more like a reward.
But no. He hadn’t said he would punish me. He had said he would teach me a lesson. And he was doing just that.
“Look up and smile at all the men watching. Smile into the camera over there, and there. You’re going to come for me now and for them because we want to watch you. It’s not for your pleasure but for ours. We want to see you submit to your true nature and accept who you are. What you want doesn’t matter but,” he said with a grin, “it’s very obvious that you do want it.”
I looked up and I think I smiled but I couldn’t focus and I couldn’t see anyone or anything. I was only aware of the pulsing and throbbing and aching in my body that was screaming for release. He had ordered me to come and I was about to.
“That’s it, give me that orgasm; it belongs to me. Come for me like a good slut; come for me and come for all the gentlemen watching. Show us what a good little whore you are!”
His words should have repulsed me, should have made me want to fight the climax that was about to explode through me. But they only egged me on. My eyes were heavy and my gaze hazy but I could see his face as he watched me intently, smiling, his eyes shining and he seemed so happy and proud of me. I was lost.
I threw my head back and screamed. Molten pleasure smashed through my body, pulverizing my senses as it licked every pore, every nerve ending, every inch of me everywhere.
“Such a good piece of fuck meat.” I couldn’t open my eyes yet but I felt his warm breath on my cheek as he spoke softly into my ear. His voice was a deep rumble, as though a lion were whispering. “And I bet you’d love me to fuck you now, wouldn’t you? Say it.”
“Please fuck me, Mr. Negulesco…”
The lion chuckled.
“No, I don’t think I will. Remember, what you want doesn’t matter. Your body isn’t yours, your orgasms aren’t yours, your pleasure isn’t yours. You are nothing. I’m not going to fuck you tonight but I could offer you up to the gentlemen who’ve been watching you… or would you prefer I untie you and permit you to sleep?”
“I… it doesn’t matter what I want. My feelings and desires aren’t important. I am nothing.”
I kept my eyes closed, not knowing or caring what happened to me next. I wasn’t happy; I wasn’t unhappy. I wasn’t anything because I am nothing.
I heard small snipping sounds and then large, warm, very strong arms holding me as I collapsed, freed from the ropes.
Freed from myself.