What Mr. Kozlov did to me that day was awful. Not the most painful, nor the most frightening, not even the most humiliating. But what he did – or rather made me do – has had an effect on me that I will never be able to erase.
I know I have spoken almost favorably about Mr. Kozlov in the past. He has often made me feel so good, and I’ve sometimes thought that I liked him and very foolishly even believed that he liked me. But I now know that he doesn’t feel anything for me at all and the only reason he visits me at the Retreat is so he can try out new and terrible ways to make my life more and more miserable.
It’s a bit strange to write this account up now, with all that has happened recently. As you know, my darling friend, I have completely accepted my life here at the Gentleman’s Retreat. I know that I am nothing and that my feelings don’t matter. I know that now. I do. Really. But of course when the events I’m about to tell you about happened, I was still fighting it. I was still convinced that I’m a girl, a person, a human with rights, needs, dreams…
Mr. Kozlov made me feel like an animal which is one step towards feeling like an object. And objects don’t feel, do they?
But when this all happened I did feel and so I will try and write it with the same thoughts and feelings as I had then. It won’t be hard to do as I will never forget them.
I was walking around outside enjoying the gentle warmth of the sun on my skin and it occurred to me that even though I hated being half- or completely naked in front of strangers, I really did like it when no one could see me. Even before coming to the Retreat I’d always enjoyed wearing as little clothing as was decent, just so I could feel the wind and sun or even the rain on my skin. I’m a very tactile person and it doesn’t take much to make my body feel something, whether good or bad. But I would never have chosen to walk around in just my underwear, or topless, or with a short skirt and no panties, which is what I have to do now.
Anyway, I was walking around in the gardens of the Retreat, wearing a pretty but terribly skimpy summer dress. I felt so vulnerable and exposed with no underwear whatsoever, knowing that even a gentle breeze would show everything off to anyone who happened to be nearby.
“Oh, how clumsy of me, I seem to have dropped my cell phone. Pick it up, Clara, would you?”
Fear seized me. I didn’t need to look up to know who was standing there; I knew his voice, his scent, his presence.
Bending down slowly and carefully, I reached for the phone that had just landed on the neatly mown grass at my feet.
“Not like that!”
I looked up, surprised and frightened, my hand frozen in place next to the phone.
“Stand up and try again. This time, don’t bend your knees.”
I did as he said, understanding exactly what he wanted to see. I bent at the waist, knowing my dress would be pulled up as I did so, and that every delicate part of me that should have been private would be on full display.
“Much better. But you must be as clumsy as I am today because you’ve dropped the phone too!”
The sharp smack on my naked bottom took me by surprise and I cried out. It was strong enough to knock me over and I lay on the grass for a moment, my bottom stinging from the slap.
“Well come on, pick it up. I haven’t got all day. You really aren’t very good at doing even basic things, are you, Clara?”
And now my eyes stung too. Why even fight the tears; I knew he’d make me cry sooner rather than later.
“I’m sorry,” I said, as I picked up his phone once again. Clutching it in my hands I tensed, waiting for him to strike me again.
“Just so the other cheek doesn’t get jealous!”
He laughed as he spanked me once again, harder this time. I gasped from the sting, but didn’t fall this time because I was prepared.
Still laughing, he walked around in front of me and held his hand out. Looking down, eyes filled with tears, I handed him the phone.
“Oh Clara, you really are so much fun to play with. You know, seeing you on the ground like that has given me an idea. I’ll need to go get something from inside. Get naked, then onto all fours and stay like that while you eagerly await my return.”
And he turned around and walked into the house.
What was he going to do? What was so inspirational about seeing me lying in a crumpled heap on the floor?
I had no idea how long he would be but was sure that if I weren’t ready for him when he returned I’d be in even more trouble. So, as quickly as I could, I took of the dress, folded it and put it on the ground. Looking around, hoping and praying no one else would see me like this, I slowly positioned myself as Mr. Kozlov had ordered.
Then I waited.
After only about ten minutes he returned. I looked up, keeping my position, trying to see what he was carrying so as to maybe get a clue about what was going to happen to me but he had put everything into a large bag.
Mr. Kozlov placed the bag on the ground to my side and stood looking at me, his face unreadable.
“You look thirsty. It’s a warm day. Would you like a drink?”
I wasn’t thirsty, although my mouth was indeed very dry but that was from fear and not lack of hydration. But he seemed to want me to drink so I nodded.
The smile that spread across his face told me I’d guess correctly and he immediately leaned down into the bag and pulled out a bottle of water. He placed it on the ground in front of me and so I reached out one hand.
“No.” His voice was firm and deep.
I looked up at him, scared and confused as he crouched down in front of me to speak.
“Tell me, Clara, and remember that you must only speak the complete truth. Are you happy here at the Retreat? Do you enjoy giving your body to different men, being used by them every day, in any way they please?”
I shook my head slowly, knowing that I shouldn’t admit it but too scared to try and lie.
“I don’t like it at all. I hate it.”
My eyes stung with tears.
Mr. Kozlov nodded and the expression on his face, instead of showing anger, seemed almost kind and soft.
I frowned, confused.
“Don’t look so surprised. I want to help you, you know. I want you to enjoy your life here. You are very good at what you do, whether you accept that fact or not, but if you did accept it you would be so much happier. Do you find that your thoughts and feelings sometimes overwhelm you? That your emotions are just too much to cope with?”
He was describing me exactly! How did he know and understand my inner struggle so well?
“Yes…” I tried to say more but had begun to cry.
He nodded, his face pure compassion.
“I am going to help you cope. I’m going to give you a way to escape from the conflict that rages in your poor confused mind. You need to simplify things. You need to become pure and innocent. Would you like that? Does that idea appeal to you, Clara?”
I nodded, staring up at him, hardly able to believe what I was hearing. Was he serious? Was he really offering to help me?
Oh, I should have known. But even if I’d guessed what he was going to do, I couldn’t have done anything about it.
He smiled, and I saw that twinkle in his eye that I have seen before. I tried to tell myself that it didn’t mean anything; that he was going to help me and that he was going to be kind. But I was only fooling myself.
He patted me on the head gently with one hand then stood back up.
“Very well, Clara. I will tell you how to remove your worries, at least for tonight. It’s very simple. You struggle with all these confusing and tormenting thoughts because you think you are human; you believe that you matter. But really, you’re just a domesticated animal. A bit like a pet: a cat or a dog. Tonight you will be a dog. My dog. So, what shall I call you, doggy?”
While I stared up at him in disbelief, he looked around us, as though searching for inspiration.
“Please… I’m not an animal. I really am a person I-”
He spun around and glared at me. “No. Dogs don’t talk. You may bark or whimper but no talking. One bark for yes, two barks for no. Understand?”
“Please… it’s so embarrassing, I can’t-”
“You can’t what? You can’t make a simple little noise? Perhaps you’d prefer me to give you something a lot more difficult – and painful – to do?”
I shook my head, then quickly made two little barking sounds, blushing very red as I did so and feeling utterly, utterly miserable.
“Better. Now then, a name. Nothing springs to mind, so I think I’ll just call you Doggy for now. What do you think, Doggy? Do you like that name?”
I couldn’t even look up. I couldn’t bear to see him as he mocked me. But I made one bark to tell him that yes, I liked the name, even though I’m sure he knew I hated it with all my heart.
“Doggy it is then.” He took a large, fairly flat bowl out of the bag and placed it in front of me on the grass. Then he poured the water from the bottle into the bowl. “Drink up little Doggy, we have lots of fun planned for this evening.”
Wishing I could be anywhere but here, I leaned down and began to slowly lap up the water. It splashed over my face and I didn’t get to drink that much but he seemed satisfied. I cringed as I felt his hand gently patting my head and stroking my hair.
“Oh yes, who’s a good Doggy? My little Doggy, that’s who!” His voice was sickly sing-song as though he were a doting parent cooing to his new born baby.
“Now then, I’m going to take you to the park, as you’re being so well behaved and obedient, but first you need to learn a few tricks. I can’t have you running off after the first squirrel you see, now can I?”
I stared up at him, trickles of cold water running down my chin as I did so. He didn’t seem to expect a response so I just waited, dreading what monstrosities he would conjure up.
“I’m going to teach you three commands. The first is ‘stand’ which is the position on all fours that you’re in now. The second is ‘sit’ the third, ‘roll over’. When I say sit, you will kneel back on your hind legs, spreading them wide, and tuck your front paws up towards your body. Arch your back and push your chest proudly forward. Look up at me and pant, with your tongue just a little out of your mouth as though ready to accept my cock. Understand? Try it now. Sit, Doggy.”
I did as he said, hoping I’d understood his instructions. I felt ridiculous but I consoled myself with the thought that he wasn’t actually hurting me physically. Yet.
His smile told me that I had responded to his command correctly. It was a relief, but it didn’t make me feel any better.
“When I say ‘roll over’ you are to roll onto your back and expose your belly. Keep your front paws tucked in and your hind legs bent and spread. Remember to pant just like you did for the ‘sit’ command. Try it now. Roll over, Doggy.”
It was getting worse already. And I knew this was only the beginning.
I rolled onto my back and got into the position Mr. Kozlov wanted. I looked up at him just in time to see the horrible smile cross his face.
“Oh you’re such a good little Doggy! So cute! Do you want me to rub your belly? Is that what you want?” That sing-song voice again. I knew he was mocking me but I couldn’t do anything about it. I would be in so much more trouble if I tried to complain or resist.
His face took on a scowl as he repeated his question. I trembled and quickly barked once, telling him that yes I did want him to rub my belly, even though we both knew very well I didn’t want him any where near my belly or any part of me at all.
I looked away as his hand advanced towards me. He gave my tummy a few strokes with the palm of his hand and then said, “Well, I can tell you’re a female dog. Perhaps I should have called you Bitch. But no, Doggy suits you. I like it. And I like these too.”
He started to play with my breasts. He rubbed and stroked them softly at first and it didn’t hurt but then he started to tweak and twist the nipples and I began to sob. Somehow, despite the pain I managed to remain in position.
“Oh, poor Doggy, does that hurt?” He said as he pinched and both my nipples very hard at the same time.
“I’m sorry Doggy, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just playing. Perhaps you prefer something a little more gentle. Would you like me to pet you gently? Perhaps here, between your hind legs?”
I looked up at him through my tears. He had made me beg before. He had made me beg him for pain and for pleasure, but he’d never made me beg as though I were an animal. This was so much worse and I think he knew that and was thoroughly enjoying every twisted moment of it.
But I had no choice, so I barked once for yes.
I thought he’d be happy but just saying yes wasn’t enough, it would seem.
“Oh I think you can do better than that, Doggy. Unless you actually prefer the pain, do you? Are you a little masochistic puppy?”
I shook my head quickly and barked twice. I hated begging him to touch me but it was better than him hurting me.
“Then show me. Whimper and pant, plead with your eyes, open your legs as wide as you can.” Sobbing, I somehow managed to do as he said. “Yes, yes, that’s a good Doggy!”
His hand slid between my legs and he began to play. He knew me too well by now and he was so skilled in doing exactly just what my body craved. First he touched me softly, then a little harder; a little faster. Then his fingers dipped inside and I heard him chuckle, enjoying my body’s slick betrayal. I moaned, but then cried out as he suddenly slapped me hard right between the legs where he had just been caressing me.
“Dogs don’t moan. You may make a low growl or other canine sound. But no human noises. You are not human. You are a dog. Aren’t you?”
I hesitated, not wanting to “say” it, even though we both knew it was a lie. But I didn’t dare contradict him and so I barked once, admitting I was only a dog; a mere domesticated animal.
“Good Doggy. Now stay in position and enjoy my gift. If you come quickly I will be pleased with you and take you for a little run in the park. If you don’t orgasm fast enough, I will presume you don’t want my gift and that you are an ungrateful mutt. In which case I’ll take you into the house and ask every Gentleman there to rub your belly over and over all night long with no release from the pleasure or the pain.”
It wasn’t difficult to come and it didn’t take long. I should be embarrassed or ashamed to admit that but, even then I wasn’t really. I couldn’t help it; it wasn’t my fault. He’s too skilled, too good, too clever and it’s like he has a remote control to my body and even my mind. It wasn’t long before my soft growls turned to loud whimpers which became howls as I climaxed on his fingers.
“Very nice.” He laughed at me. “I’m pleased with you and so you’ve earned a trip to the park. Now then, stand Doggy.”
It was the first position, on all fours. Oh how I wish he was telling me to actually stand up.
I looked up at him, my face was, I’m sure, very flushed from the strong orgasm I’d just been forced to have. He looked deep in thought, his thumb and forefinger caressing his chin as he studied me.
“Something is missing… Ah! I know!”
I watched as he knelt down next to the bag and rummaged around. He pulled out something which I thought at first was a whip. I felt ill with fear and could hardly hold my position.
“The finishing touch!”
He held up a kind of stick for me to see. It was dark brown and, I think, made of wood. One end – the end he was holding – was long and thick, the other had many long and flowing strands or thin strips of leather or something similar coming from it.
“It’s your tail, Doggy. Every dog needs a tail; what sort of owner would I be if I let you go playing in the park with no tail? Now hold still, it may feel a little strange going in but you’ll get used to it. And you may even like it.”
Horror filled me as I suddenly realized what he was going to do. I almost wished it had been a whip. I bit down hard on my lip as he touched the handle end of the “tail” to the delicate and still wet skin between my legs. He laughed softly at my whimpers as he played around for a while, teasing me.
“You know where this is going, don’t you Doggy? You’ve been such a good puppy so far that you deserve nothing but the most impressive tail. But it is rather large so I’m going to get it nice and lubed up. Try and relax. Here we go.”
I whimpered loudly as he began to slowly push the thing into my bottom. It didn’t really hurt, too much, but it felt so strange and I didn’t like the sensation at all. Tears sprang to my eyes and I clenched my hands tightly around the tufts of grass beneath me.
Finally it was in all the way and I saw his feet walk around and stop in front of me. I looked up, scared and miserable. But he was smiling at me.
“What a pretty puppy! You look perfect! Take a look, then give that tail a good wag to show me how happy you are to have a master who is so generous and who takes such good care of his pet.”
I didn’t want to see that awful object sticking out of my bottom. I didn’t want to feel it, I didn’t want to see it, and I definitely didn’t want to wag my ‘tail’. But I had to.
Looking slowly around, over my shoulder, I gasped in dismay at the sight. It was humiliating and frightening at the same time. I wanted to close my eyes but didn’t dare. Besides, what would be the point? I could still feel everything. I could feel the grass and ground under my paws and I could feel my tail swish as I jiggled my hips to make it wag. I was a dog! I really was an animal. On all fours, mute except for grunts, ignored except when it pleased my master to address me, and now I even had a tail. How much more un-human could I get?
“Now then, come with me Doggy, we’re going to the park. Perhaps we’ll find you a little puppy friend there to play with. Would you like that? I think that’d be fun!”
I had no idea what Mr. Kozlov meant by that and I was sure it wouldn’t be at all fun for me, but I barked once, presuming that’s what he wanted me to do.
His smile told me I was correct.
“Then I’ll arrange it. I just want my little Doggy to be happy!”
I looked down, feeling about as far away from happy as it was possible to be, while he sent a series of messages on his phone.
“It’s arranged. We’ll meet at the park. Now remember, when you meet another dog you must behave just like a good puppy. You will of course be curious and want to get to know her and you’ll do that by sniffing her bottom, just like a dog does. You won’t know if she’s friendly or aggressive and she won’t know anything about you either, so the two of you will have to figure things out together. If you want to try and assert your dominance, you can growl and even try and bite her. I wouldn’t advise hurting her though as her master may request I punish you for that, which of course I would do. If she tries to dominate you, you can either fight – gently – or submit to her by rolling onto your belly and allowing her to sniff and lick you. Is all that clear?”
I felt faint. He was going to bring another man and woman to the park and I’d have to… My mind swam and I began to feel so ill I thought I would collapse.
“Are you okay, Doggy? You look pale? You did drink a lot of water earlier, perhaps you need to relieve yourself before we leave? You may pee here but hurry as I don’t want to be late now that we have an appointment.”
Had I heard him correctly? He wanted me to relieve myself here, on the grass, in the middle of the grounds?
“I’m waiting. And I don’t like waiting. If you don’t hurry you will regret it. Now pee.”
I closed my eyes and burned with shame as, after a few moments, the hot stream ran down my legs. Oh please don’t let him tell me to lick myself clean. No, thankfully, I was a dog and not a cat. This time.
“Good Doggy. Now hold still while I clean you up and we’ll get going.”
I barely felt the cool, damp wipes he used to clean the pee from my thighs and between my legs. I heard a faint click as he clipped a leash to my collar and then a slight tug. I had to walk, on all fours, to the park. Luckily it wasn’t far but I wished it were. I didn’t want to get there. Ever.
* * * * *
I have to go now, my sweet friend. I cannot go on. I will tell you the rest, I promise, but I just can’t bring myself to do so now. I thought it would be easier to write up such events now that I am changed; now that I understood who – or rather what – I truly am. But revisiting all these emotions is so hard and I’m exhausted. I need to sleep. I will rest and then return to tell you what happened in the park.