I have no idea what’s going at the moment. From the time I realized that leaving The Gentleman’s Retreat of my own accord was not an option, I have been dreaming of one day getting out. Then, I finally meet a man – SeaHawk – who wants only to take me away from here and what do I? I um and er and hesitate until he doesn’t know what to think of me and then, when he is trying to take me out of the very house I’ve been so desperate to leave, I stand around talking to the same men I want to run away from. And SeaHawk gives up on me and goes.
I’ve probably ruined all my chances of leaving with SeaHawk. I have to realize that. But last night, for some reason, I just didn’t care and I was even happy! I was sitting on the lovely soft rug by the fire (which is never lit, by the way. I must ask Mr. Negulesco if we can have an actual fire burning in the hearth; it would be so lovely!) Anyway, yes, I was sitting by the fire and then Sir Jeff turned up! Oh, he’s so lovely! I was delighted to see him and could barely resist throwing myself into his arms. Why do I like him?
Why do I like any man? I always thought it was because they treat me well and make me smile. But, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s maybe a lot more complicated than that. Otherwise I would have run off with SeaHawk without any question. And I would be feeling so good after last night. But I’m not…
Sir Jeff chose a book from the bookshelf and said he’d like to sit on the sofa with me. Just sit! And we did! We kissed a little too, which was so nice. He kisses really, really well! Not rough and forceful like some of the other men. We chatted for a while and he even told me a few things about himself and asked me about me day. It was just so lovely. I would have liked to have stayed for longer but, as so often happens, I just cannot stay awake and so I asked him if it would be okay for me to go to bed. He didn’t mind at all! He is just so sweet!
And that’s where my problem is. Is he too sweet? What is wrong with you, Clara? How can a man possibly be too sweet?
I wish I knew what to do now. All I know is that I feel kind of empty and flat. I should be so very happy but I’m not. Maybe I’m sad that SeaHawk has gone. But I don’t think so.
I need more time to think about this and, for once, I don’t think that writing will help me so I will sign off now and mull it all over in my head…