Hi there. Last night was awful. I hate this place and I have to get out one day. I have no idea how or when but I have to believe I can get out somehow some day because if I stop believing that I’ll just go into some sort of comatose depression.
So, last night, I was outside looking at the pretty Christmas Tree that has been put up. It’s so lovely! All decorated and sparkly and happy and festive. For a few moments I was happy and then I heard a man’s voice behind me and my happiness popped. I spun around, scared, of course because an unfamiliar man’s voice usually means bad things will soon happen. And they did. He told me to follow him into the house and get him a drink.
I really didn’t want to leave the Christmas Tree but I also didn’t want to get into trouble so I went into the house and brought the man his drink. He said his name was Cody and so I called him that. Some men like to be called Sir or Master or other titles and some men, like Mr. Negulesco, I just automatically can’t call by their first name because … I’m not sure why but I just do. Anyway, it’s not that I felt close to or friendly with Cody – oh no! Quite the opposite! – but I certainly don’t feel any respect or anything like that for him.
When I handed Cody his drink he was sitting next to a girl who was tied on top of a table. Oh, the poor girl! I can’t even begin to describe the scene but she was forced to lie on her back, her head off the end of the table and her legs spread open and … this metal arm thing … was … moving in and out of her … you know. Oh, it was awful and I couldn’t bare to see it. She was moaning and gasping and every now and then she’d let out a cry when, I can only suppose, the machine made her, you know, climax, despite herself. She definitely wasn’t enjoying it as I know (although I can’t understand how) some girls here do.
Anyway, the horrid man Cody saw that I felt so sorry for this girl and he offered to let me help her. Of course I wanted to do so! But I was also scared and worried about what he’d do to me if I agreed. I am not so naive to think he’d just let her go because I wanted him to! He promised me that all I had to do was take my top off and he’d let her free of the machine. I hated having my breasts exposed but it wasn’t much to pay to help this poor girl. It’s not as if it would be the first time although I never seem to get used to being naked in public around men I don’t know.
I shouldn’t have been surprised that as soon as the top I had been wearing fluttered to the floor, Cody told me I had to do more. I was angry, upset, annoyed and disappointed. But of course I did what he said; I couldn’t let the girl suffer any longer if there was just a small chance I could help her. Cody had me remove the rest of my clothing and let him tie me to a rack thing which meant that I was bent over forwards, my ankles and wrists tied so that I couldn’t move. I closed my eyes tightly shut and tried not to think of my naked bottom exposed for the whole room. But that still wasn’t enough! Cody said he’d turn the machine up to high if I didn’t agree to get him hard so that he could, you know, use the girl. And he even said that he’d have me hold her down too. I started to feel faint as this point and I was almost glad I was leaning on something and tied to it. He had tricked me and was taking pleasure in the fact that I had no choice but to agree and willingly do all these things for him when he knew full well he wasn’t going to let the poor, exhausted girl go.
I felt the horrible man’s hands on my naked bottom and my, you know, everywhere! Why do they do this? Why can’t they just leave me alone? I couldn’t bare to think about it and so I did what I usually do and screwed my eyes tightly shut and tried to shut it all out. The sounds, the smells, the sensations. I tried to just numb myself to the whole lot. It only worked a little but anything is better than feeling everything. And I do feel it; I wish I didn’t but I feel it all so strongly. I just want one of these men to like me – actually like me – but they’re all just awful and horrible and cruel. Well, no, not all. There is my wonderful Sir Liam and Mr. Negulesco too who is often kind and almost caring. There is something about him that I can’t quite figure out. He scares me, but I also really, really like him. It’s very odd. I think I will write about him in a separate entry.
Anyway, the whole ordeal with Cody and the poor, sweet girl was finally over. I don’t even remember the rest so I guess I managed to block it out fairly efficiently after all. I was allowed to leave to go and clean up and I must have finally fallen asleep as I woke up this morning in my usual little bed. How am I going to get away from here? How?See More of Charlotte & Clara: