I am stronger than even I can know and I will find a way to escape from here. It may take forever but I will be free one day and until that day comes I will simply escape into my mind. They can force me to give them my body but I’ll never surrender my mind.
I am an Object.
I exist to please, to be used by cock, and to bring pleasure.
My body is not my own, and it never will be again.
I only exist to be a set of holes and tits to be used and abused however men desire.
I must never neglect to worship cock whether with my mouth, or my body.
This is my only purpose.
Say it. Believe it. Live it.
I found the above words on the notice board today. Mr. Negulesco has written similar messages before but today’s one really got to me. I read it and then ran off in tears. Why? Because, for just a tiny-mini-micro second I actually started to believe those awful words. I could hear Mr. Negulesco’s voice in my ear as though he were whispering them to me.
But the words aren’t true; they are all lies. Even if Mr. Negulesco had been saying them out loud to me it wouldn’t have made any difference. Okay, I can’t lie to you, my dear friend, you know me too well! It would have made a bit of a difference. But the point is that I know I’m not just a set of holes and bits and pieces with which the men may do as they please. I am a girl! A person! And I won’t let these lies get to me and break me down.
But… I’m getting so desperate for someone to show me just a little kindness. Taun still hasn’t come for me and I’m wondering if he ever will. The only men who use me are the cruel, rough, brutal ones. I don’t even want pleasure now; I just want not-pain.
Why won’t anyone talk to me, even look at me, unless it’s to use my body? I just want to have a conversation with someone, anyone, about anything.
I am a person, aren’t I?
Perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad to let myself believe some of the words on that notice. Wouldn’t it make my life so much easier to just accept my fate and stop fighting?
I want to be strong. I want to be the strong girl who doesn’t give up and who keeps on fighting against all odds.
But maybe it’s time to say goodbye to the strong girl and just be the girl.See More of Charlotte & Clara: