Taun. I have never been so confused by a man. Even Mr. Negulesco seems more logical and less confusing than Taun. With Mr. Negulesco, I can be sure that when I see him one of three things will happen. Either nothing; he will be busy with someone else. Or pain; he will hurt my body or my pride. Or sex; he will do something to me or have me do something to him that I don’t want to do but I know I have to do and if I’m lucky it will feel good.
But Taun. He is doing something to me and I’m scared. I thought I was safe because he’s not hurting me; he’s not beating me or tying me up and he’s not ordering me to do awful things. But, that would somehow be easier, I think, than this. He wants me to want it! He’s trying to help me, to make it easier for me to endure the cruel things I have to experience here, to give me strategies for coping and behaving well so that I can stay out of trouble. But I do want that? Sure, it’s a nice idea, to do as I’m told and not get punished. Well, the not getting punished part is nice. It’s the doing as I’m told part that’s not so easy. I just don’t see why I should do most of the stuff I’m forced to do here. I don’t want to accept that I belong here; that it’s my place to serve these men any way they like whether I feel like it or not. And if I let Taun help me, then won’t he also break me? Won’t I be different, changed, not the same girl as I was? I can’t let that happen. But I’m scared that I won’t be able to stop it happening either.
So, as you know, I got the note from Spirit telling me that Taun wanted to see me. So after wandering around I found the cabin and he was there, waiting for me. It’s gorgeous! So cozy and although it looks very unimpressive from the outside – in fact it’s very well hidden by the trees and can barely be seen at all – inside is sumptuous. (I do like that word. It’s very onomatopoeic!) There are lots of little pieces of wooden furniture that all look like they’ve been made by just nailing a few pieces of wood together and throwing expensive cloth over it. (I suppose that’s how most furniture is made, but you know what I mean!) It has such a natural, rustic feel but is so warm and comfortable and inviting.
The perfect place to lose myself.
It’s intoxicating! I’m probably just imagining it. I never know what these men are thinking and how much they do to me on purpose or how much my crazy mind does to itself. But it seems as though even the inanimate objects around Taun are saying and doing the same as him; murmuring his words, shadowing his touch, seducing me into wanting and liking everything that I see, do, taste, smell, touch… I won’t want it. No, I won’t relax and enjoy it. You want to force me? Fine, I’m a prisoner here and I know it’s going to happen. You already know you can do whatever you want to me. You paid Mr. Negulesco big bucks for the privilege, I’m sure. But you can’t make me want you. You can’t make me enjoy you. You can’t make me dream of you.
There have been a few really nice, kind and wonderful men here who have been sweet and with whom I have happily spent very intimate moments. Sir Liam was amazing; Sir Jeff is fun; SeaHawk almost bought me and Master Eric was understanding. With these men I don’t put up a fight and I am sometimes even happy to see them and when they want to do more than just talk I don’t mind at all. But, I know that I don’t have a choice with them. I know they come to the Retreat for one thing and they can take it when and however they like. I’m just happy when they chose to be gentle.
I even had feelings for Sir Liam. I thought I really, really liked him. But I haven’t seen him for so long and I think he must have forgotten about me; he was just using me and I guess he was into soft sex rather than the rough stuff. I hope I don’t sound bitter. I do still like him and I appreciate how he treated me. If I close my eyes I can still feel his shirt around me! The point is, I was happy to not try and fight him but I knew that I had to do what he wanted me to do.
And Sir Jeff has promised to take me dancing! He has been wonderful to me so of course I like him. I am still really excited about that and I hope he has been able to get permission from Mr. Negulesco (or pay him, or whatever he has to do). If Sir Jeff wants me to do more than just dance, I won’t be surprised and because he’s so kind it won’t be so awful. But still, I’ll know I don’t have the choice.
But Taun is very, very different. He is like a steam train. He’s strong, powerful, slow, rhythmical and once the pace quickens, once the steam builds, I am terrified that it’s going to be impossible to stop what he started.
I’m sorry, sweet diary, I am probably confusing you with all my ramblings and I promise that I will tell you all about my evening with Taun and that will hopefully clear things up a little. I just needed to talk to you for a while and try to get my feelings sorted out. I spent one evening with him and he has told me that he wants me to return to him in that cabin almost every night! I asked if maybe Mr. Negulesco would make me off limits to the other men for the moment and he said he’d ask. That would be so amazing and wonderful. Although, on the other hand, it might make things worse because I know the more time I spend with Taun the more I’ll lose myself and become who I don’t want to be. But I can’t help going back.
And I do have the choice! That, my dearest friend, is what makes this all so awful. He gave me the choice! He actually said that I could say no to him and we would spend the rest of the evening talking; he wouldn’t touch me. So, of course I said no. Right?
I said yes.
That’s what’s I mean! I’m so confused! I shouldn’t go back but I know I will.
I have to stop thinking about him now. It’s making it worse. I will sign off. But I will return to write more, I promise, and to let you know what happened last night in the cabin with Taun.See More of Charlotte & Clara: