Good morning, dear diary! I feel very refreshed after a long night’s sleep and because the Retreat is usually a little quieter during the day than it is in the evening, I should have lots of time now to tell you all about my evening with Taun.
Okay, so, I promise that I won’t go off on an emotional tangent this time; I will actually tell you what happened!
I arrived at his cabin and we spoke for a short while. I was a little scared and I asked him if he would please tell me what he was planing on doing. He explained that he wouldn’t tell me because part of the training is to help me overcome that fear of the unknown. He spoke very calmly and smiled so warmly I was reassured. He really is so understanding and patient, it really unnerves me. (Oops, sorry, I said just details this time. I can’t help it!)
He allowed me a few minutes to look around while he went to change out of his suit and into something more casual. He looked really good when he returned a few minutes later (although he looks great in a suit too, I have to say). Obviously, I had to remove my top – that is not a surprise as he has made it clear I will need to do that whenever I am around him – but he said that I would have to be completely naked this time. He told me he wanted me to go into the next room, undress, and then return to him. You would think I would have become used to being nude in front of men I hardly know as it has happened far too many times for me to count, but I still don’t like it and I don’t want to like it. But with Taun it’s a bit easier, it’s true, because I’m already used to being half naked around him and he’s also very polite and he actually asks me to do things rather than bossing me around.
So I walked to the next room, undressed, and then walked back to stand in front of Taun. I have to admit that his reaction as he watched me was really nice to see! When a horrible, cruel and mean man shows an interest in me I don’t like it; I don’t want it, but when someone as pleasant as this man seems to like the way I look it’s actually quite nice. (Sorry, yes, I know, I’m talking about my feelings again!)
Taun showed me through to the room with a comfortable sofa and we both sat down. He promised me that he would go very slowly and gently and he explained that he was going to kiss me so I should try and focus on something else. But, oh, his kiss was too wonderful! Then his hand was gently stroking my tummy and somehow ended up much lower down, but I was lost in his kiss and although I could very much still feel his fingers touching me between my legs, I somehow don’t remember them arriving there. He had told me to try and focus on something else in order to make the experience with a man okay. But it’s difficult to practice that with Taun because he is being so good to me that I am starting to not mind him touching me. In any case, I tried to do as he said and I focused on his kiss and tried not to feel his fingers twirling, dancing, moving but oh, I could feel them! I would feel the kiss then his fingers then the kiss then his fingers and each time they both seemed so much more intense and intoxicating.
I had explained that one of the ways I cope with the bad experiences is to try and not be there, in my head; to try and imagine it’s not really me and it’s not really happening and I’m not really there. He was kissing me and touching me in little round circles and then he slipped a finger inside me and I was trying so hard to find something else to focus on but it was too good and neither my body nor my mind wanted to focus on anything else at all.
Then he stopped. I felt cold and empty. He asked me if I had been pretending to not be there or imagining that he was someone else. After taking a few moments to open my eyes, focus, think, and speak, I told him I hadn’t. I tried to explain that it’s not the same at all when a horrible man is forcing me to do awful stuff, but I’m not sure how clear I was speaking. My brain was all fuzzy.
Taun told me that we would be moving to the bed next. I understood what he meant and that sobered me up a little. I looked over at the bed and I knew I wanted to be there with him and that realization scared me. He was trying to teach me how to cope with having sex with men I hate but how could he teach me that when I don’t hate him. At all.
Because he is so kind and gentle with me, I thought he wouldn’t mind if I asked him a question. I just had to know because it makes a huge difference. I asked him if I had the choice; could I refuse to have sex with him and if so would he then not take me? I was really, really surprised when he said that yes, I could refuse him at that time and if I did it would be fine; we would sit and chat instead and the only thing he would require is that I be topless. I had no idea how to react to that knowledge. What made it even stranger for me was I realized then that I really did very much want to go to bed with him but I hated the idea that he could know that. Did he sense how I was feeling? Maybe, because of course he asked me what I wanted to do and when I, embarrassed and blushing, admitted that I was okay for us to do more things together, he wasn’t satisfied. He made me say exactly what I wanted him to do. And then, after making me admit to myself and to him what I wanted, he said that we would be doing that next time but not now.
Oh! Do you see now how he is playing with my head? He makes me want something and then he takes it away so that I want it even more.
He told me to put my underwear back on and to go but that I should return regularly for more instruction. I started babbling that I could come back the very next evening if he wanted and every night too in fact. We spoke for a short while and in that time I thankfully started to cool off and calm down. I asked him if he could request that I be saved for his use only so that I could be sure to not get held up by any other man when I should be coming to see him. I admit that I was being a little sneaky there! But it would be so wonderful and amazing to be able to walk around the Retreat and know that no man can touch me!
Anyway, so do you understand a bit more about the mess my poor little head is in now? I don’t want to like this man. How can I like any man who comes to such a place as the Gentleman’s Retreat? But what can I do when he tells me I am allowed to walk away from him and yet I run towards him?