Hello Diary, I am so very tired right now but I have to write to you. I need to tell you a little more about Taun. I saw him again this evening. He’s getting under my skin and into me. I don’t know if I should run to him for help, protection and guidance or away from him before he envelops my mind and body in his soft, gentle, kind, sweet, caring cloak.
It was a short visit, but it had a deep effect on me, just as each time I see him. He had me remove my clothes and he explained that he was going to kiss me and touch me. It’s not that I didn’t want him to do that; you know that I have started to desperately need him to do exactly that. But I just had to ask him the question that was going around in my mind and driving me crazy.
So I asked him if it was okay to ask him a question. He replied by asking me if I would like to have an answer to my question that pleases me or that is the truth. That scared me a little, but I said I needed to know the truth. Then I asked him if he was playing with my mind on purpose, if he knew that he was doing it, if he was trying to change me, if his actions were calculated to have the reactions they were having in me and if he was aware of the effect it was having on me.
I think I really just needed to tell him all those thoughts and fears, because my questions were so babbled it didn’t really make it easy for him to answer any of them clearly. And he didn’t. He said yes, I think. I don’t remember how he worded his answer but in any case it didn’t clear anything up in my head at all. But I somehow felt a whole lot better for having told him what I was feeling.
And then he started to kiss me, to touch me. It was so good. Oh, dear darling friend. I don’t know how much more I can take. I have started to want it so badly and that doesn’t make any sense. Actually, it does make sense and the logic terrifies me. I have liked other men here because they were kind. I have enjoyed spending time with them because they treated me well. That was all. I didn’t desire them; I just didn’t mind sleeping with them. But Taun is making me want him. I like him because he treats me well but that isn’t why I want to be in bed with him. He is making me ache to be touched.
He’s making me want sex. Not romance, not kindness, not love. Just sex.
As soon as this realization hit me I started to cry. Taun stopped touching me and gently pulled away. He said we’d stop there for now because he doesn’t want me to cry. He said he wants me to be happy and willing for each stage to happen.
Sobbing quietly, I thanked him, dressed, and left the cabin.
I can’t let him do this. I can’t be like that. I won’t be the sort of person who can just enjoy someone physically without being in any way emotionally connected.
I have to find a way to not see him again.See More of Charlotte & Clara: