Well, I am fine and I am here and now that I have my diary back I hope that I will be able to write more often once again. I have so much to tell you, I don’t quite know where to start!!!
I have been with Taun all this time. The last time I wrote to you I had just run out of his house, confused and scared of how he was making me feel. So much has happened since then and I am still not really sure how to feel about what is going on.
Taun found me quickly and easily and he didn’t have much trouble convincing me to go back to his place again. He patiently answered my questions and helped me to understand things a little better. I am still afraid of the way he is bringing me to actually like and even desire what he does to me. It does’t make any sense! It’s like I’m not controlling my own feelings and emotions and I’m certainly not controlling my own body when he’s around.
He took me to his house. It’s a palace! Well, not really, of course, but it’s a very impressive mansion and it’s gorgeous. It reminds me a little of Utopia’s place but it’s much cozier; more like a real home and less pretentious. While showing me around, Taun explained the rules to me. He told me that there were certain rooms and places in the house where I could be alone, if I wished, and I could refuse him. He also gave me a word to say if I ever felt I really, really, really couldn’t or didn’t want to do what he wanted. He has very kindly brought me my diary from the Retreat and is allowing me to keep it hidden here, in this incredibly beautiful underground cave. He promised that he won’t read it if I keep it here but if I leave it lying around the house then he will read it. I will remember to always write to you from here!
Oddly, having such rules as these has confused me. You would think that I would love to have such a freedom after being bossed around and mistreated at the Retreat for so long. And I do. I think. But, I don’t know. It just doesn’t make any sense. I tried to explain this to Taun and he did give me an answer but it’s all jumbled in my memory now. I am so pleased that I finally have my dairy back because it’s almost impossible to remember everything unless I can write it down as it happens.
Taun does lots of things to me. All the time. But, and it’s so strange…. he makes it all okay. In fact, more than okay. And that’s what I hate. Yes, I don’t hate him touching me, or anything he does to me because he makes it feel so amazingly good! But I hate that I like it. I shouldn’t like it as much as I do! He doesn’t love me, he has no intension of keeping me forever, I don’t love him and hardly know anything about him at all. Yet he can make me feel like I am dying and being born at the same time. He can make my body tremble, shake and explode and my mind is just completely shattered each time by the sensations he sends through me.
With Bren, I felt something. It wasn’t love either, it wasn’t passion; I don’t know what it was but there was some emotion that I felt for him because of who he was and how he was. Utopia I felt something for, almost like a brother really, or just an old friend. And even Mr. Negulesco I have feelings for, mostly bad feelings, I admit, but I do feel something when I’m with him and it’s a very weird, potent mixture of emotions.
But Taun, I don’t know. I just don’t know. He is good to me and I like him but the way he makes me feel – in my body – is just so disproportionately amazingly good to how I feel about him as a person. And that’s just not how I want to feel. I should like him to touch me, and want him inside of me, because of who he is not just because it feels so incredible!
He tied me up yesterday. I am still aching today and I think I will be for many days more. He has a frame thing from which he can suspend me in different positions. When I first saw it I was sure he was going to whip me but he hasn’t done anything like that since bringing me to his house. He tied me quickly and prettily with ropes all over my body and then pulled me up so that I was hanging from the frame. And then, he slowly pulled my legs into a split. A full split! I didn’t think I could do it and I was sure he was going to tear me into two but he talked me through it and somehow he knows my body better than I do and I slowly opened wider and wider until I was hanging there, my legs open wide, suspended and helpless.
It was exhausting, trying to keep the tension in my legs just there enough so that I could maintain the split and not fall any lower. I had to keep concentrating on that but Taun kept touching me and doing things to me and it was just so overwhelming. I begged him to just let me down so I could relax and enjoy what he was doing but he wouldn’t. It hurt. But it felt so good. He kept touching, teasing, licking, caressing, oh it all felt so incredibly good! But the pain in my legs was getting worse and worse as the pleasure everywhere else mounted too. And it wasn’t just pain, it was the fact that I had to keep concentrating on the pain. I couldn’t try and block it out and just not feel it; I had to keep it in focus so that I wouldn’t fall into a deeper split and get hurt. And then all the feelings seemed to just crash together when he finally entered me and it was just so incredible. I think he lifted me up a little, which released some of the pressure and made the pleasure so much greater all of a sudden. I don’t know what happened exactly but it was almost unreal. You know how when part of your body is in pain or is feeling good, how that part seems to be trying to get your attention and it’s difficult not to concentrate on just that part? Well, every part of my body was screaming for attention and it was so loud and so furious and so incredible. I remember screaming, actually, although I couldn’t hear any sound.
It was a very, very different experience from when Mr. Negulesco tied me in ropes.
A while ago Taun had to go away for a few days. He left me with everything I needed at the house and he even said I could travel if I wanted to, using his chauffeur. It was such fun! Freedom! Yes, of course I did entertain the notion of running off but that wouldn’t have actually been that easy with the chauffeur watching me while I was out. I had a great time but Taun wouldn’t tell me where he was going or what he was going to do and he seemed a bit stressed. I was probably imagining things, remembering when Bren would go away and come back all bruised and beaten up, alive, but barely. Taun did tell me when he would be home though and I was so excited that day, waiting for him, but he didn’t turn up. Nor the next day. I was worried and I panicked and instead of being logical and rational I ran to the only place and person I knew who would possibly have any news: Mr. Negulesco at the Gentleman’s Retreat.
Mr. Negulesco called me over to him as soon as he saw me. I thought he was going to be pleased to see me and I was oddly happy to see him again after such a long time. But, I don’t know how it happened – I never do with him – but somehow things went wrong and he remembered that he had said he was going to punish me. That was so long ago I had really, so hoped that he had forgotten or decided I no longer needed the punishment. But of course, he had neither forgotten nor changed his mind. He took me into the house with him.
Once inside the house he very quickly tied me up and made sure that I was naked and that anyone around could see me. I hate that. So, so, so much and Mr. Negulesco always seems to take such a pleasure in embarrassing me and making me feel so vulnerable and exposed. I wish he’d just do what he does to me in a private room. Or not at all, of course. Although no, that’s not really fair because he has done some things to me that have been nice and gentle and have felt good. And he has been very kind and generous sometimes to take the time to teach me how to do things such as use my mouth to please a man. But this time he didn’t want to be gentle or kind at all. This time he was going to hurt me and I knew it and I was very scared.
He didn’t even use me. He tied me up with rope crossing around my body so that I couldn’t move at all and holding me securely to the platform in the main living room area of the house. Then he hit me. Oh, it was awful! It hurt so much and I screamed so loudly and I cried and begged him to stop but he wouldn’t. He used a paddle or a whip or something, I’m not sure, but it hurt so much. I couldn’t sit down for over a week afterwards.
But, when he was finally finished, he said something to me and it just seemed as though it was all my fault. It was so confusing. I was sure that I had just arrived at the Retreat and he had straight away told me that he intended on giving me the punishment I was owed. But he explained that he had been happy to see me and had wanted to use my sweet little mouth but then I had angered him and that’s why he had whipped me. It’s true that I had asked him if I could have one of those safe words to use, like Taun has given me, because I was truly scared that Mr. Negulesco was going to hurt me badly. He laughed at me when I asked which made me angry but I didn’t show the anger, I’m sure. And besides, I only asked for the safe word because he had already said he was going to punish me so it can’t have been that which annoyed him. I don’t know. He confuses me so much! He made me cry again, this time though I was crying because I felt sad and guilty that he was disappointed in me. Can you imagine that? Or maybe I was just overwhelmed by the pain and the fear and the idea that I could have had a very different evening if I hadn’t made him angry and trying so hard to remember how I made him angry and not understanding what I did wrong.
He left me like that. The horrible, cruel man left me tied up, naked, bruised and crying. I wish I remembered what I was being punished for because it was a very effective punishment and I wouldn’t do it again. But I have no idea and he would’t tell me. So I probably will end up doing it again. And being punished again.
I cried myself to sleep and when a man’s voice woke me the following morning I remember trying to instinctively get away as fast as I could before I had even fully awoken. Luckily, the man held me gently and stopped me running. And even more luckily the man was Taun! Yes, Taun had come to get me although he was not at all happy to have had to do so. He told me that he had had to pay Mr. Negulesco to take me away and that if I did anything like that again he would just leave me there next time. It was so unfair! I had only been looking for Taun because I was worried and now he was angry with me too! I couldn’t seem to get anything right.
But at least I was safe now and Taun helped me put a cream on my wounds so they would heal with no scarring. And then we both fell asleep and I think I slept for about fifteen hours!See More of Charlotte & Clara: