Hello, my sweet and wonderful friend! I feel good today. It’s the middle of winter and although it doesn’t really get that cold here and I’ve yet to see it snow, it does feel rather festive. There are holiday lights out around town and some people have Christmas trees in their houses or front lawns. And of course, at the Retreat, there are the usual decorations.
Yes, I’m still going there as Taun told me to but I don’t go every day. He has been gone so long now that I’m wondering if he’ll ever be back. His instructions were that I go there every day without fail and you can imagine how terrified I was the first time I accidentally missed a day!
It wasn’t my fault. There had been two men the previous evening and they had made up some kind of game which they obviously understood very well and had played many times before but I just couldn’t get the hang of it. They hurt me, a lot, and it was very, very frightening. When they finally let me go home I managed to get back to my house (I really don’t know how I did that as I could barely walk) and I fell asleep on the sofa in the living room because I couldn’t even make it up the stairs to my bed.
I slept for well over twelve hours, I think, and when I finally woke up, showered, dressed, and ate a little something, I realized with horror that I had missed a whole day and night at the Retreat. I was so scared that something bad would happen to me, that Taun would know straight away and someone would come to punish me. When I next went to the Retreat I was sure Mr. Negulesco or someone would grab me.
But nothing happened.
Another time about a week later an awful man took me, right in the street, here in town. It was horrible. It’s bad enough when the men do what they want to me at the Retreat but it seems somehow worse when they use me in the town. He pressed up against a dirty, cold, damp wall and told me he was a Gentleman of the Retreat and he had seen me there so he knew it was okay to do what he was doing to me. Okay? Okay for him maybe but not for me! It was probably quite quick but it felt as though he was doing things to me and making me do things to him, for hours. I begged him to let me go, explaining that I needed to get to the Retreat and he could always find and use me there but he laughed and obviously didn’t care. He said he wanted to use me now and so that is what he was going to do.
After that, there have been a few more occasions when I’ve not been to the Retreat for a day or two and still nothing bad happens. No punishments. I don’t want to get too comfortable and I’m sure that if I didn’t show up for a week or something, Mr. Negulesco would realize and he’d tell Taun. Or would he? I really don’t know what’s going on and it’s frightening.
But, there is a ray of sunshine; a glimmer of hope!!!
I’ve met someone!
Yes, that’s right my kind friend, I’ve met a man who really seems to care for me and like me for who I am! I’m trying not to get too excited or happy about it – he is a Retreat Gentleman after all (at least I think he is) – but it’s so difficult to not be at least a little optimistic.
I don’t even know his name; he won’t tell me. So I’ve started thinking of him as Mr. Mysterious because that’s what he is. He’s so gorgeous too! Maybe I should call him Mr. Gorgeous! He has the most incredible eyes that are a delicious, calming pale blue when he’s happy and a sharp, steel grey when he’s excited. His hair is light and airy and reminds me of the sand on a peaceful beach. And his face is just so lovely to look at; so kind and warm. I can’t bear to tear my eyes away from him! His body is strong and when he holds me I feel safe.
Well, yes, I do feel scared too sometimes because he has had to hurt me on a few occassions. He doesn’t want to hurt me; he told me he hates doing it. But we have to be careful and pretend that we don’t like each other so sometimes he will whip me or something like that but it’s never really that hard. Well, sometimes it is but I try and be brave because I know he’s not getting pleasure from it and he’s only doing it so that he can spend more time with me but he can’t always just do nice stuff to me because that would start to look suspicious.
Taun doesn’t want me to fall for anyone; he wants me to be punished by the men at the Retreat so we can’t let anyone – not even the cameras – see that we like each other because if Taun finds out I like him as much as I do (and that maybe – oh please yes! – he likes me too – we’ll both be in trouble. Well, actually, I’ll probably be the only one in trouble but he doesn’t want that because he’s so sweet! He really seems to like me!
The ‘pretend’ beatings, whipping, or rough treatment was his idea and at first I didn’t like it at all. I was scared and so I suggested he make it look as though he’s hurting me and I scream and cry and beg to make it seem real. But he said there was no way it would trick people and then I’d be seriously punished for being deceitful and we’d never get to see each other again. He’s right, of course.
But it’s so awful when he hurts me. He hates it too, and I wish we didn’t have to do it. I just have to trust him and I know I can. For example, one time, he warned me that what he had planned for that evening was going to be extremely painful but that he would tie me up so that not only would it look more authentic but, more importantly, I wouldn’t able to move and accidentally hurt myself more than necessary.
He’s always very careful and usually whispers encouraging things into my ear to help me cope with the pain and fear. Although sometimes he’ll say that he thinks someone suspects us and may be watching so we have to make sure that the evening is especially difficult for me. When that happens I can see in his eyes (at least I think I can because they shine so brightly) that he really doesn’t want to be cruel to me but that he’s only doing it because he has no other choice.
Oh I have so much to tell you about and I want to gush more about him so badly but I really should get to the Retreat. It has been two days and I’m not going to risk that becoming three days. Besides, who knows, maybe Mr. Gorgeous-Mysterious will be there. Oh, how I hope so!