Let me tell you about last night and you can tell me what you think. I don’t know what I should do now or if I even have the option of doing anything. Will SeaHawk still want me? Will he come back again after what happened? I don’t know and I can’t seem to think straight or begin to figure out all the questions tearing around in my head like crazed bumble bees.
Okay, so last night started off in a very confusing way. I suddenly found myself in a room with SeaHawk! Yes, that should have been a wonderful surprise, and it was, but I was so confused that it kind of spoiled the pleasure I would have felt at seeing him again.
I asked him where I was and how we got there. After my senses began to come back to me I realized that we were in the The Gentleman’s Retreat, but it was a room I didn’t know very well which is why I didn’t recognize it. But that still left the question about how I got there. So I asked SeaHawk and he said, in a really matter-of-fact way that he had sedated me and carried me from the pens so of course I wouldn’t remember coming here.
Sedated me? Why had he done that? I would have gladly followed him! I was really confused especially as he kept saying things I just didn’t understand; he was using strange words and it was so weird. And he wanted to attach me to a post and all I wanted to do was talk about what he was going to do and whether he would take me away from here and for how long and … so many questions and I just felt so strange. He was almost annoying me! Which makes no sense because I really like him. Don’t I? I have to! He could take me away, take me from the Retreat, from all these awful men who… but… that’s the problem. I got so scared at the unknown, so scared that he’d take me away and I’d hate it even more than I hate being here (some of the time) and then there’d be no way back.
But you know what the strangest and scariest thing was? I felt like I had a choice. I felt like I could tell SeaHawk what I wanted and that he’d do whatever I wanted him to do. That should have made me happy but it just confused me.
Anyway, after talking for a while (he gave up trying to tie me to the post because I just wasn’t interested. See what I mean? Surely he should have just done it anyway. And surely I should be happy that he didn’t. So why aren’t I?) Finally I agreed to go and visit his house after he promised that he would bring me back here.
And then, he disappeared. Yes, he just seemed to evaporate! I looked up and he was gone and I was so scared that I’d annoyed him or that he had decided to leave without me. I just started to cry. I was so disappointed. But then, thankfully, after a short while I heard footsteps and I hardly dared to hope that it was him… but it was! So I told him that yes, of course, I really wanted to go to his house and he nodded and said to follow him, which I did.
We were walking down the stairs and then… oh! There was Sir Liam, yes, my Sir Liam! Calming playing pool or snooker or whatever it’s called. I felt so wobbly when I saw him. I felt like I was betraying him by walking off with this other man. How could I feel that? It’s not like I had the choice… but… yes, I did have the choice! SeaHawk kept “telling” me to do things but it always felt like he was asking me. I couldn’t move, even though I was being told to follow. My legs just wouldn’t go; I wanted to run to Sir Liam but I couldn’t do that either. Then, finally, when I started to walk down the stairs again Sir Liam said something about spanking and it made me scared and happy and so many feelings that I felt dizzy again.
At last I managed to compose myself and got to the bottom of the stairs and was about to follow SeaHawk through the big, heavy front doors when. Oh no! There was Sir Jeff, standing, just standing there, but somehow, something about even the way he just stands makes me feel… I don’t know. Oh, it’s all too confusing. There was no way I could follow SeaHawk. I was completely stuck to the spot. My body refused to move and my brain refused to try and make it. The doors kept opening and closing and poor SeaHawk was getting more and more annoyed and I felt bad and I felt sorry for him but, I just couldn’t go.
Then the doors didn’t open again and I no longer heard SeaHawk calling me to follow him. He left. I was frightened and started to cry. Then Sir Jeff pulled me to his chest and… oh wow! I just felt so safe and happy and good then. I melted to him and it was amazing. Why is it that some men can do that to me? Something about them, something about the way there are, makes them amazing.
I was exhausted with all these crazy events and so much emotion. I wanted so badly to stay with Sir Cliff for hours but I could barely stand up. I begged him to let me go and sleep and he so kindly did. I remember hugging him as hard as I could, as if I could somehow store up his strength and his – whatever it is that he has! – to last me until I see him next. And then I somehow fell back to the pens and collapsed into sleep.
So, now, please sweet Diary, tell me what you think? Did I do something horribly wrong? I have no idea what will happen next and I don’t know at all what I feel about these men. They confuse me so much!See More of Charlotte & Clara: