Whole to Holes

So how am I going to live my new acceptance of life here at the Gentleman’s Retreat? Will it be easy, now that I fully believe everything that Mr. Negulesco and the other gentlemen have been telling me over and over again since I first arrived here? It should be. I mean, if what they say is true – and it is – that I am a worthless slut whose value lies only in being used by a man, then it should all come naturally to me.

But I am still a little confused about something. If my thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, and desires don’t matter – and they don’t – I have no motivation to be pleasing. It makes me so happy when someone, especially someone as impressive and hard to please as Mr. Negulesco, is proud of me and thinks that I have done well. But, if my happiness doesn’t matter to him or to anyone – and it doesn’t – then how can I try my best to please?

I’m sure I will learn. I’m very new to the acceptance of all this. I swore for so long that they wouldn’t break me, they wouldn’t win, but now that it’s happened it doesn’t really feel as though I’ve lost and I don’t feel broken. Well, maybe just a little, but I’m sure I’ll feel whole again soon. And when that happens, instead of being the whole me I’ll be three holes of me which is better because it’s more than before. No?

I just need to practice and I’m sure I’ll be given many opportunities for that. It reminds me of the way Mr. Negulesco always concludes his poems: Say it, believe it, live it. Well, the men made me say it over and over again and now that I believe it – and I really do – I must live it.

Talking of the poems, another one was posted today. I won’t make any comments about it because it doesn’t matter what I think; whether I like it or not isn’t important. But I’m including it here for you, my lovely friend, because you might be interested in reading it. Continue reading →

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Displayed & Defeated

Naked woman shibariHe broke me.

Yes, my sweet friend, Mr. Negulesco has finally completely broken me and I am ready to tell you now how he did it.

It happened a few weeks ago, before I got sick and this, along with the other encounter which I have still to tell you about, probably contributed to my falling ill. Once you’ve finished reading them both you will understand why I am so quiet now and why I couldn’t bring myself to talk about these events while I was still recovering from my illness.

I’ll start with Mr. Negulesco because I wrote to you last about Mr. Kozlov and I need a little more time before I can think about him again. Oh please let me meet another man here soon, someone a little kinder. I know that I’ll never meet a wonderful man who will save me and take me away and love me forever but at least please let me be used by a man who isn’t so cruel as these two. Neither men actually physically hurt me this time but the cruelty was sharp, deep, and will be very long lasting.

Okay, here goes.

I was standing in the back room and had decided to walk outside. There was no one around indoors and although I could have happily stayed there I knew I should at least make it look as though I was actively seeking out a man to please. And it was a beautiful day so I thought that a stroll outside would be pleasant.

I heard footsteps behind me but I was already walking out the door so I pretended not to have heard them and sped up my step.

Thud. Continue reading →

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I am a Slut

naked woman tied with rope long hair flowingI think it’s happened. Oh my poor friend, I am trembling as I write this and I can’t believe what I am about to admit:

They have won.

I know I still need to tell you about those two evenings I mentioned last time I wrote and I will soon, I promise. But first I just have to quickly tell you about last night.

I was standing downstairs, staring out the window, wondering if I’d ever be free to walk around outside without the fear of being taken and used at any moment by any man.


A man’s voice startled me and I turned around so quickly I almost fell over. I’m still very weak from my illness and it doesn’t take much to make me feel faint and lose balance. Seeing Mr. Kozlov standing there, staring at me with an impossible-to-read expression, did nothing to calm me or stop the dizziness. Was he angry and planning to punish me for being ill and unavailable for so long? Or was he happy to see me with my shiny brown hair, dyed just as he had instructed? My hand flew up to touch my hair as though to somehow check that the color hadn’t magically disappeared overnight. (Once I’ve told you about the previous encounter with Mr. Kozlov that will make sense; I’m sorry if it’s a bit confusing right now!)

I stood, trembling, leaning against the wall for support.

He didn’t say anything for a moment or two (or perhaps that’s just the way I remember it because it took my poor brain so long to settle down). I remember trying to smile, to greet him, to be polite and to ignore the way my heart was pounding out of control in my chest. He asked how I was feeling and said that he’d heard I’d been ill. I nodded, told him I was much better now, and thanked him for his concern.

“I wasn’t concerned.”

I looked down, embarrassed. “I didn’t mean that I thought you were worried about me because you liked me or anything I was just-”

“When was the last time you were fucked, Clara?” Mr. Kozlov cut me off and made me blush even more than I had been doing just a moment ago. He began to walk slowly towards me, closing the short distance between us and stopping just in front of me. So close I could feel him even before he laid a finger on me. I kept looking down, avoiding the eyes I knew were staring into me.

“I.. it was probably… before I was ill…”

“That’s a long time, isn’t it?”


“We need to change that, don’t we?”


“Beg me.” Continue reading →

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Who am I?

pretty blondeI didn’t know it was possible to get that sick and not die!

I’ve been completely out of it for the past few days, maybe even weeks. I’m not really sure exactly how long I was ill because there are no calendars here. I’d like to think that calling a doctor, being given medicine and somewhere private to rest was proof that Mr. Negulesco does actually care a little about me but I’m sure it’s just because he’d rather I not die. If I die the men can’t use me any more plus he’d have the hassle and expense of removing my body. No, he doesn’t care if I suffer but he’d much rather I suffer at his hands or the hands of the other ‘gentlemen’ than due to an illness that could kill me.

I’m not sure what was wrong with me, the doctor didn’t say, but I threw up a lot and had a very high fever which gave me nightmares even worse than some of my experiences here so you can imagine how bad they must have been. I’m better now although I still feel really weak and need to sleep a lot which, thankfully, I am being allowed to do. Whether by lucky chance or Mr. Negulesco’s orders I will never know.

I have two horrible events to tell you about but I don’t have the energy to do so now. (I’m amazed I made it to my little desk here in this room and that I’m able to sit up without feeling dizzy.) I can’t write about my recent encounters because they are too awful for me to think about right now. I need to be a little stronger before I bring them back to life in my memory. I will just say that recently, along with the fever where I forgot my own name, Mr. Kozlov made me wonder if I’m even human, and Mr. Negulesco made me wish I weren’t.

Sometimes I don’t know who I am anymore and those times are frighteningly becoming more and more frequent.

But I won’t leave you empty-handed, my sweet friend. I’m sure you’re just dying to read the latest notice that Mr. Negulesco has pinned on the notice board! Okay then, so as not to disappoint my best friend, here below, in all its happy-optomistic-wonderful-shiny-lovliness is the latest poem: Continue reading →

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Sexy lipsA frightening thought occurred to me: the surveillance cameras. What if Mr. Negulesco – or any of the men in fact – have seen the recordings from the evening I spent sitting at Najda’s feet?

Oh, I know I wasn’t really doing anything very bad but just the fact that I was lounging around chatting with a girl rather than actively looking for one of the Gentlemen to please could get me into deep trouble. And of course what Najda was doing was even worse because she was sitting in one of the armchairs and I’d hate to think that she could be punished for it. She was so nice to me!

Although perhaps she’ll be okay. I’m still rather confused about her status; maybe she’s not one of the women here who must look after the men’s needs. You know, like the lovely Spirit. Do you remember her? She’s Mr. Negulesco’s lady and although she is a woman, I very, very much doubt she has to be available to all the men at the Retreat and in fact I have never seen her kiss or be touched by anyone other than Mr. Negulesco. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen her at all in ages. I hope she’s okay. She may not be as sympathetic to me as I had hoped when I met her, but I do think she’s a nice girl and I want her to be happy. Perhaps she is also one of the reasons I can never quite hate Mr. Negulesco the way I hate the cruel men such as Mr. Kozlov and Tyr. Spirit seems so in love with her man and so fulfilled and happy in their relationship that I can’t imagine he is as awful to her as he has sometimes been to me and therefore I think that he can’t be quite as bad as I sometimes feel he is.

Do you see what I’m saying? I’m sorry if I’m not being very clear; my head is a mess with all the worry but let me try and explain: Mr. Negulesco must love Spirit dearly, at least he seems to, but I have a hard time imagining anyone being in love with Tyr, for example, unless she enjoys having her mouth and throat used so roughly she can’t swallow without pain for days afterwards. I can actually imagine a woman falling for Mr. Kozlov. He is very, very good looking and his eyes are so incredibly attractive, were he a kinder, gentler man I could easily fall for him. But he’s not. He’s a monster and any girl who fell for him would have to be absolutely crazy! Continue reading →

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Elust 93

aurora glory header elust 93
Photo courtesy of Aurora Glory

Welcome to Elust 93

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #94 Start with the rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!


~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

A dress to die for

Pushing Past



~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Kink lite, Kink life


~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

The Contract

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!


Erotic Fiction

The Contract
Speaking Truth to a Submissive Heart
Subjugate U Continue reading →

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Najda & Shiroona

sexy girls touchingWell. What a different sort of evening that was!

I don’t know if we’ll get in big trouble for it, but it was so nice.

I was standing in the little library area, near the fireplace, looking for a new book to read. I don’t know why I bother as there are never any new titles there and I’ve read all of them at least three times, even the ones that don’t interest me. Anyway, last night was no different so I was trying to decide which book would be worth a forth reading when I heard a voice behind me.

“Excuse me. I’m sorry to interrupt you…”

It was a girl. Well, a woman really but she wasn’t much older than me. She was so elegant though! Despite being dressed only in her underwear, she stood tall and proud. And oh my, but she was tall! I know I’m fairly short (is 5 foot 2 inches short?) but this beautiful lady was easily 5 foot 9 or 10, maybe more. Anyway, she stood there smiling at me with a look of kindness in her eyes that made me feel happy. Remember that I told you no one except the most awful, most brutal and cruel of the men had spoke to me since Taun brought me back? And that none of the girls or women had even made eye contact with me let alone spoken to me? Well, then you can imagine how surprised and happy I was!

I tried to sound casual and friendly as I spoke to this lady. I was sure she’d remember who I was or be told off for talking to me and I desperately didn’t want her to leave.

“Oh it’s quite alright. You’re not disturbing me at all!”

“Do you see the woman sitting in the arm chair at the far end of the room?”

I looked around. “Yes, I can see her.”

“She has asked me to request that you join her. If you don’t mind.”

I frowned, very confused at both the request – as it came from a woman – and the fact that it was a request. But I wasn’t going to jeopardize the situation. I would be thrilled to spend the evening chatting with two women instead of being abused by a man!

“Of course I don’t mind!”

“Wonderful! Please follow me.”

We walked over to where the lady was lounging in one of the very comfortable arm chairs. She looked up and smiled as we approached.

“Here is the blonde girl you asked for.” Continue reading →

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Sticks and Stones

sexy girl cryingI think I am going to try and kill myself.

Oh, my sweetest friend, don’t worry, I wouldn’t do that. Not really. It’s just that I am so lonely, so desperate, so sad and I don’t know how things will ever get better. If Taun does come back for me I know it’ll only be a matter of weeks or maybe months before he brings me back to the Retreat again but he will bring me back and the pain will continue.

I haven’t seen Mr. Negulesco in weeks and although some of the men seem vaguely familiar most are complete strangers. I’ve even started wishing I could see Mr. Kozlov again! That is how desperate I am to see someone I know and to talk to someone who knows me!

I actually did see Mr. Kozlov the other day. I shrank back against the wall, hoping and praying he wouldn’t see me but when he didn’t seem to notice me I felt really strange. I tried to tell myself that I was relieved but… I don’t know. It’s probably just because I’m so lonely. I watched him for a while, holding my breath, sure and certain that he would just sense I was there but a tall, stunning brunette caught his eye and he made a beeline for her. They chatted for a while and although at first she seemed happy to see him, she definitely didn’t want to go anywhere with him so he put a collar around her neck and dragged her upstairs! About twenty minutes later I heard the most awful screams coming from the third floor.

I still haven’t been up to the third floor. It’s incredible to think that I’ve somehow managed to avoid that fate as yet and I don’t know how long that will hold true but until now I’ve never seen inside any rooms up there. I do know, however, from the stories and blood-curdling screams, that it’s a place of torture and agony and it terrifies me beyond words.

Talking of words, Mr. Negulesco left another notice up on the board today. There was a different one yesterday too which I’ve also included here. I wish I could forget them but sadly they are all too easy to memorize and write down for you to read and, I am sure, be appalled by. Here is the first one: Continue reading →

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I am an Object

sexy naked woman lying on beachI will not let him get to me. I will not let any of them get to me.

I am stronger than even I can know and I will find a way to escape from here. It may take forever but I will be free one day and until that day comes I will simply escape into my mind. They can force me to give them my body but I’ll never surrender my mind.

I am an Object.
I exist to please, to be used by cock, and to bring pleasure.
My body is not my own, and it never will be again.
I only exist to be a set of holes and tits to be used and abused however men desire.
I must never neglect to worship cock whether with my mouth, or my body.
This is my only purpose.

Say it. Believe it. Live it.

Carlo Negulesco
Retreat Director

I found the above words on the notice board today. Mr. Negulesco has written similar messages before but today’s one really got to me. I read it and then ran off in tears. Why? Because, for just a tiny-mini-micro second I actually started to believe those awful words. I could hear Mr. Negulesco’s voice in my ear as though he were whispering them to me.

But the words aren’t true; they are all lies. Even if Mr. Negulesco had been saying them out loud to me it wouldn’t have made any difference. Okay, I can’t lie to you, my dear friend, you know me too well! It would have made a bit of a difference. But the point is that I know I’m not just a set of holes and bits and pieces with which the men may do as they please. I am a girl! A person! And I won’t let these lies get to me and break me down.

But… I’m getting so desperate for someone to show me just a little kindness. Taun still hasn’t come for me and I’m wondering if he ever will. The only men who use me are the cruel, rough, brutal ones. I don’t even want pleasure now; I just want not-pain.

Why won’t anyone talk to me, even look at me, unless it’s to use my body? I just want to have a conversation with someone, anyone, about anything.

I am a person, aren’t I?

Perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad to let myself believe some of the words on that notice. Wouldn’t it make my life so much easier to just accept my fate and stop fighting?

I want to be strong. I want to be the strong girl who doesn’t give up and who keeps on fighting against all odds.

But maybe it’s time to say goodbye to the strong girl and just be the girl.

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The Contract

What am I going to do now?

Somebody please help me.


“Very good. I’m pleased with you Clara and you’ll be happy to know that Mr. Negulesco has confirmed today’s meeting, which means that our friends Karl and Tyr will no longer be visiting us. I’m sorry you didn’t get to say goodbye; I know they will miss you but perhaps you won’t miss them quite as much?”

How could I reply to that? Of course I didn’t want to make Taun angry by insulting ‘our’ friends so I couldn’t say what I actually felt about them although I was sure Taun knew I hated them.

“Yes, thank you, Taun. I am so pleased that the meeting will be today. I can’t wait to have your ownership of me become official.” I hoped he didn’t pick up on the fact that I wasn’t really answering his question and that I definitely wasn’t bubbling with excitement at the prospect of belonging to him.

Taun looked at me. He seemed bothered, although not angry. He sat down on the edge of the cushion and stroked my cheek with his hand.

“Oh Clara. I know you’re scared. I know you’re probably less than enthusiastic about the idea of living with me forever. Your punishments were terrible. But I hope you will see that they were also very necessary. You have belonged to me from the moment I first saw you at the Retreat; you just didn’t know it then and I tried to teach you the nice way, the easy way, but you wouldn’t learn. So I had to use the hard way. But I think that now, at last, you realize you are mine and today’s meeting will simply make that official.”

I tried to control my fear. Yes, I was scared.

He leaned in and kissed me tenderly on the forehead. “But it won’t always be like this. You will see that life with me can be very, very pleasant for you. From now on you will only be punished as a direct result of any misbehavior and of course if you are good you will be rewarded. I do not trust you yet; the punishments served to teach you who you are and to make you pay for your mistakes but only time will earn you my trust. So you will remain chained to this cushion unless you are being given some specific duty. As time goes on and you show me that I can trust you, you may be permitted a little more freedom but you will always remain inside my house. The doors and windows are locked. If you try and get out you will not only be unsuccessful, you will make me very angry. And it’s probably a good idea to avoid doing that, don’t you think?”

I nodded. I would be a prisoner forever.

“I’m glad you agree. Now then, I’m going to make us some breakfast and then you will prepare yourself, in my presence, for the meeting. I want you to look good for Mr. Negulesco. He will probably want to use you one last time and I will grant him that right as a courtesy but after today no man will touch you ever again. Doesn’t that make you happy, Clara? From now on only I will see you naked, only I will fuck you. Your body is mine; only mine!”

The way he spoke frightened me. He seemed almost drunk on the idea of sole ownership of me.

He walked away and returned a short while later with food. After that he clipped the leash onto my collar then unchained my ankle and lead me to the bathroom. There he closed and locked the door before taking the leash off. I wondered why, if all the doors and windows were locked, he felt the need to lead me around as though I were a dog but I supposed it was partly because he knew I found it demeaning and partly to remind me that I was his owned pet.

But I’m not an animal! I’m me, I’m Clara, a person, a girl. I don’t belong to him or to anyone! He can brainwash me into saying whatever stupid phrases he wants to hear but he’ll never really make me believe I belong to him. I have to keep telling myself that he is wrong. I won’t let him invade my mind.

Taun made sure I washed and prepared my body and hair for Mr. Negulesco. He showed me which make up to use (too much) and which clothes to wear (too few). A pair of very high heels that were almost impossible to walk in finished off the outfit. Then we went outside where a limo was waiting for us and we were driven to go and meet Mr. Negulesco.

I feel asleep in the car. It was a very long drive and although I was scared I was still so exhausted from the past few weeks and I hadn’t had much sleep that night.

“Wake up, my dear, we’re here.” Taun’s voice was soft and kind and his hand stroked my hair with a gentle caress. I opened my eyes.

We got out of the car and were met by a man in a suit who asked us to follow him. We entered a very modern looking building, were waved through security, and took the elevator to the eighteenth floor. When the doors opened we were led along a hallway until we reached about the third or fourth door which the man opened for us and ushered us through. We were then standing in what looked like a large and comfortable waiting room. We followed the man through a couple more doors and then I saw him.

“Hello Clara.”

My breath caught in my throat and I felt as though he had somehow just stollen all the air from my lungs. I stared at Mr. Negulesco as he sat behind a huge wooden desk. He stood up to greet us and I realized that I was cowering behind Taun. Why was I afraid? He couldn’t hurt me now; I all but belonged to Taun and why would he damage property he was about to sell?

But it wasn’t exactly fear, anyway. It was that feeling I always get when I see Mr. Negulesco except that it had been so long since I’d seen him last that I’d forgotten what that feeling felt like and it seemed so much stronger now. I can never explain or understand it. He makes me tremble but it’s as though he also has some kind of power or hold over me because I cannot run and even worse than that, I don’t want to run. My body screams at me to get away from him yet at the same time seems to be trying all it can to get closer to him.

I suddenly realized Taun was glaring down at me. “Mr. Negulesco spoke to you, Clara. You will reply.” Continue reading →

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