Paradox

MrNegulescoOh help! What have I done? A few days ago I had the very real possibility of walking out of the Retreat with a kind and, fairly gentle, man. Somehow, for some reason, I messed that up and I haven’t seen him since nor do I think I ever will again. Then I had a wonderful evening with a sweet and lovely man who was happy to sit and talk with me by the fire. And all I could think of was that something just didn’t feel right.

Well, now I know what a stupid idiot I am and after I tell you about last night you’ll probably never want to talk to me again. But, dear, sweet diary, I do hope you will because I so need someone to talk to. I am so confused. Yesterday was absolutely awful and yet, somehow, oh I don’t even know how to start explaining but it’s like a part of me isn’t really me. A part of me wants something that I don’t want – something that I really hate – but that part keeps sabotaging my happiness and trying to get what she wants and not caring about the rest of me hating it. I don’t know. I’m not making any sense and perhaps I’m just crazy. Perhaps being locked up here is making me go insane and it has become impossible for me to think clearly.

Perhaps they’re drugging me!!! I hadn’t even thought of that before but maybe they put something in the water that makes me unable to really focus on my thoughts and makes me ruin any chances of escape. Or, perhaps they have some men come here to be sweet and kind and nice and gentle just so that I get used to that for a while and then when the horrible, cruel, rough, awful men show up it’s ten times worse.

***

Okay, back now. I had to go for a moment and cry. It’s just all too much. I hate this. I hate not knowing what’s going on and what will happen next. I have no control whatsoever over who talks to me or what they do to me and now it’s like I don’t even have any control over what I do to myself!!! I’m making up all these wild theories just to try and understand my life trapped in this house with these monsters but I’ll never know the truth. I can ask anyone but I bet I won’t get the same answer twice.

Well, I guess I can’t put it off any longer. I’ll just have to tell you about what happened last night:

I walked into the house slowly and as quietly as I could, just like I always do. If I’m lucky there’ll be no one standing around waiting and I’ll be able to go and hide in a corner somewhere. But, the front doors hadn’t even closed behind me when I heard a familiar voice greet me and call me over.

It was Mr. Negulesco! I was hit with a mix of delight and apprehension but of course I walked straight over to where he was sitting in the lounge area. I felt strange. I was happy to see him again after so long but I was also nervous about what he would do and say. But I smiled and was polite and it isn’t difficult to do that with him. Some men I just can’t seem to even pretend to smile or be nice to, but Mr. Negulesco somehow pulls every real emotion out of me as though he’s some sort of doctor, surgically extracting my feelings and thoughts. I can’t pretend when I’m around him; I’m naked even when dressed.

Mr. Negulesco told me he’d heard rumors about me. That made my smile fade quickly. I was suddenly scared that maybe SeaHawk had lied to me and that he hadn’t in fact cleared things with Mr. Negulesco before saying he was going to take me to his house. I mean, I hadn’t gone, but still I could really be in trouble for nearly leaving even though it wasn’t my fault. Or maybe some other lie or false rumor had been spread. I didn’t know but I was very frightened that Mr. Negulesco was going to get angry with me.

I denied that I had done anything wrong (as, indeed, I hadn’t) and I was almost surprised that he believed me without any insistence on my part. Had he really heard something or was he just teasing me? I really don’t know and it’s so unfair! I couldn’t hide a single thought from him even if I tried my hardest but I never know what he is really thinking and whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing and what he’ll do next and whether he’s being honest with me or tricking me. I have no idea and it’s so scary.

But anyway, I promised him that I’d been good recently and maybe he misunderstood what I meant by “good” because he then told me what he wanted me to do. And I had to do it naked. It makes no sense, I know, but I didn’t actually mind what he wanted me to do (put him in my mouth) but I really, really hated that he wanted me to take my clothes off. It’s not that I actually like doing the things the men have me do but, well, I don’t know, sometimes it’s kind of really good. I mean, the smells, the warmth, the feelings are so… I don’t know. I can’t explain and I’m just too confused now to think about that. I’ll save it for another day.

I asked Mr. Negulesco if we could possibly go into a private room or area if he wanted me to be naked. Or, I suggested, perhaps I could stay dressed to do what he wanted me to do because then I’d be better able to concentrate on it and surely he wanted me to do well. But then his eyes and voice changed and I got undressed so quickly it was as if my clothes were as scared of him as I was and threw themselves off me and onto the ground in case he was angry with them too! You can’t imagine what that look in his eyes does to me. It’s like being in front of a tiger who is crouched low to the ground, ready to pounce, eyes already devouring you but you know that if you can just say or do the right thing the tiger won’t kill you; he’ll stay where he is and be a magnificent creature and maybe he’ll roar but he won’t actually hurt you. Perhaps he’ll protect you from the attack of another wild beast. Or just kill you later.

So now I was standing in front of him, completely naked and hating it. Luckily there wasn’t anyone else in the house yet but I knew people would start arriving soon. When I felt his hand begin to push me to my knees my body obeyed before I even told it to. I wish that wouldn’t happen. I wish I could at least have control over my own decisions even though I know I’ll do what the men tell me to, eventually, but I hate it when my reflexes seem to steal even the tiny amount of control I still have.

Mr. Negulesco told me that I’d have to suck him but that I wasn’t allowed to use my hands. That didn’t sound too difficult until I realized that I’d also have to undress him. I had no idea how I could manage this but he helped me by explaining and it was actually surprisingly easy. It was almost as if his own body was helping me which is a strange idea and no doubt just my imagination.

But, then, he was touching me, touching my breast. Not just my breast, my nipple. It was so intense. I couldn’t concentrate any more. Why does he have to do that? I wanted to try and do the task he had given me and do it well, but he was touching my body and my body was reacting and part of that body felt so good and liked it and part of it felt so dizzy and hated it. Why is it that I so often seem to want to run to and away at the same time?

Then, suddenly, he didn’t seem happy with me and I thought he told me to stop but he shouted at me to continue but to show him my hand. I was so confused! I had almost been lost in the warmth and smells of his skin, his clothes, the leather of his belt… But now I had no idea what was going on again. Then I felt something wet and cold in the palm of my hand. Mr. Negulesco told me to put it on my bottom and I suddenly realized what it was and what it was for.

I started crying. I could hear other people around us now and Mr. Negulesco even greeted them and I felt so naked. I wanted to beg him to stop and let me go, or to at least make it a bit easier on me. I had to arch my back in order to get the lubrication gel where it needed to go (and I wanted to make sure it went there because I knew I’d regret it later if I didn’t) but arching my back like that only made me feel more embarrassed and sure that everyone was staring at me. It also pushed my breasts into his hand more and I hated the idea that he thought I was liking this and wanting it.

And then his semen was all over me! I managed to keep most of it in my mouth as I’d been told to before but some went on my face and when I blinked I could feel the stickiness in my eyelashes. My heart was racing so fast as I looked up at him, scared, hoping he was pleased. I was glad that I had done what he told me to do but I was really worried about what I thought he had planned for me next.

Did he take pity on me? Did he change his mind? Did he see someone he wanted to talk to or be with? I have no idea but suddenly he was telling me to go and clean up. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to come back after cleaning myself but he only said to leave the lube there in case anyone else, you know… It was difficult enough standing up and walking but that thought almost made me fall over. I left as quickly as I could, not wanting to stay and ask questions; just needing to be alone.

Thankfully, I wasn’t called on again and so I eventually fell asleep.

***

Writing all this down hasn’t really made it any easier for me to understand but I do feel a little calmer now. Tired, but calm. What I just can’t understand is, even though I hated almost every moment of last night, I also, sort of… I don’t know… something feels alive and burning and that’s sort of a really good feeling. Do you know what I mean? When I’m with SeaHawk and the men who are so nice to me but who I feel I can almost control, there’s a sort of empty, hollow, sadness in me. It’s like I have to convince myself that it’s good but it’s not really good; it’s missing something. I don’t like Mr. Negulesco or any of these men who are mean and cruel and I hate what they do to me but, with Mr. Negulesco anyway, there’s something else. I want him to be happy with me and proud of me. Not just because I’m scared of what will happen if he’s angry or disappointed – and I am, very – but it’s more and I can’t understand or explain it.

***

Imagine a wizard in a fairy tale.

He captures two beautiful princess and keeps them locked up in different rooms of his castle. One princess he tortures by beating and whipping her and by telling her that she’ll never see her family again and that they, in fact, don’t love her and gave her to him. He takes her tears and collects them in a glass vial. The other princess he treats wonderfully, telling her that he has rescued her from a terrible dragon but she can stay with him and he will protect her forever. He is so good to her that she eventually falls in love with him and when he proposes marriage to her she accepts, crying tears of joy. He collects those tears and mixes them in the same glass vial.

The tears mix and the wizard casts a spell, creating a magic potion.

Which I drank.

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