I know it has been ages since I wrote to you last, my dear, sweet and faithful friend. I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t face talking about things until I felt a little less confused.
Actually, that’s not completely true. Because often talking to you really helps me sort my muddled thoughts out but this time it was more than that. This time I was ashamed and I was desperately trying to be someone I am not and I realize now that I knew if I just started to allow myself to think freely – the way I do when I write to you – that all my resolve would come apart.
I tried so hard to be the girl Mr. Negulesco wants me to be. I really thought he had made me into that girl, or rather that object. And some of what he writes in those poems does still ring true, deep inside me. I’m conflicted, very conflicted. But things have happened in the past few months to make me realize that it’s not as simple as Mr. Negulesco told me; that the truth is perhaps somewhere between what he claims it to be and what I thought it was.
A lot has happened since I wrote last and I can’t possibly fit everything into one diary entry so I will have to return several times to fill you in completely. But here’s the first installment:
Mr. Kozlov came for me again. He found me in the garden and, as is often the case, I had no clue as to whether he would hurt me or make me feel incredible. I was terrified he would do the doggy thing again but thankfully he didn’t. He took me inside the house into one of the bedrooms and told me to strip.
I did so, trembling, and in silence. I wanted so badly to ask him if he was going to hurt me but I wasn’t sure I could take it if he said yes and if he said no then I would be just as scared anyway because he can do things to me that don’t hurt, but that are still just as awful – if not worse – than pain.
I put my clothes in a small pile on the bed and waited, watching him as he walked to a chest of draws and returned with some very red rope. I felt my heart rate start to climb as he approached me and my mouth went dry with fear.
“Open your legs, Clara.”
As I moved to stand with my legs further apart, Mr. Kozlov let the rope fall the floor. I then noticed that he was holding something else in his hands too. A small white, plastic, egg-shaped object. I looked up just as he was grinning down at me.
I held my breath as he slid the toy up inside me. I tried not to make any sound but blushed as I heard myself let out a little gasp as he pushed it deep into me, letting his fingers play briefly as they touched me. He chuckled at my response and I looked away, ashamed and embarrassed.
“You can tell me as often as you like that you don’t want me to do these things to you, Clara, but your body will always tell the truth. And the fact that I could slide that egg inside you so very, very easily, tells me that you do enjoy our meetings. Don’t you?”
He gripped my chin and forced me to look into his gorgeous eyes. My face was burning now. He let go of me and stood there smirking as he held up in front of my eyes the fingers that had just been in between my legs. I could see my body’s betrayal dripping from them and I nodded, knowing that it was useless to deny that my body desperately wants him, even if my mind still tries to resist.
He laughed then bent down to pick up the rope. He told me to lift my arms away from my body and to stand very still. Then I watched as he coiled a piece of the rope around my breasts. I tried not to make a noise. I don’t know why, but it always seems as though Mr. Kozlov is playing me like a musical instrument; that he’s tuning me and that every little signal I give him teaches him more about me and allows him better knowledge of how to play me. And hurt me. Not just physically, but emotionally. He knows me so well he can control my emotions, my feelings, my actions, and moods. I hate that because it’s so terrifying, to be so at the mercy of another human being, so vulnerable to someone who so enjoys watching me suffer.
I managed to stay silent until he brushed the rough cord across my nipples. I stared straight ahead, breathing hard, trying not to give anything away but of course, that’s impossible. Even if I don’t speak words, my body is shouting out to him what it wants and Mr. Kozlov laughed, knowing that he can do whatever he wants whether I like it or not. And he enjoys it both if I like it – knowing that I’m trying so hard not to like it – and when I hate it – because he likes hurting me.
When he had finished the rope formed a sort of bra, lifting my breasts up and pushing them out. I was surprised and relieved to see that he hadn’t tied a piece of rope across my nipples.
Mr. Kozlov stood back and looked at his artwork, nodded, then picked up the other piece of rope. He wound that around my waist, very tightly so that whenever I breathed I was forced to inhale from my chest which of course pushed my breasts out even further. He then tied a knot in the rope and threaded it between my legs, attaching it to the rope already at my waist. I held my breath, trying not to move, realizing that when I did, that knot would rub against my tender flesh. I heard him laugh again and I looked up.
“Yes, my little Clara, that’s right. With each step you take, you will feel the rope and, every now and then this too.”
I gasped as I suddenly felt the plastic egg inside me come to life and vibrate with a steady rhythm.
“I’ll leave it on very low for now, but don’t worry, I’ll turn it up later for your pleasure and my entertainment. Now then, why don’t you try walking? Go to the chest of drawers and get the dress that’s lying on top of it. Put it on and walk back to me.”
I took a few steps and my eyes widened. I couldn’t move like this! The toy wasn’t vibrating very much inside me but I could definitely feel it and the knot in the rope was pressing just the right, just the perfect, just the best amount between my legs, pressing down and moving around on my clit. How was he able to tie the rope at such a precise tension and make that knot just the right size and fix it in just the exact place?
I somehow got to the chest of drawers and found the dress. As soon as I picked it up I understood why he hadn’t put cords across my nipples. I turned around, dismay on my face, to look at Mr. Kozlov, my eyes begging him to not make me wear it but he of course just smiled and I knew there was no point in trying to get out of what he wanted me to do. I slid into the bright red, pure silk, short, shiny, slinky dress and moaned as it licked and caressed my body.
Walking those few feet back to Mr. Kozlov was an exquisite agony.I couldn’t meet his eyes, but I could feel them burning into me. Every step felt like there were hands and tongues all over my body. When I finally reached him I thought I felt I would collapse onto the floor and beg him to use me. I didn’t of course. But I’m sure he knew exactly what I was feeling.
I couldn’t meet his eyes, but I could feel them burning into me. Every step felt like there were hands and tongues all over my body. When I finally reached him I felt I would collapse onto the floor and beg him to use me. I didn’t of course. But I’m sure he knew exactly what I was feeling.
“You look lovely, Clara. Now then, I have a little surprise for you. A treat. We’re going to walk into town. I think I’m correct in saying that you’d love to see the town?”
I stared at him in disbelief. Walk into town? I wasn’t sure I’d be able to walk as far as the front door of the house let alone all the way into town. I desperately wanted to see outside the Retreat, yes, but not like this! Even not taking into account the way the ropes, silk dress, and toy made me feel, I would be so embarrassed to walk around in public like this. My breasts and nipples were jutting out and clearly showed through the flimsy silk and the dress was so short and light that even a small breeze would reveal that I had no panties on.
“You don’t look pleased with my suggestion? Perhaps you’d rather stay here instead? I have to say that I’m very disappointed though because I really thought I was doing you a little favor. You’d been so well behaved as my pet dog and I took quite a while to come up with an idea I thought you would like.”
Mr. Kozlov’s pale blue-gray eyes seemed to burn black as he continued. “But that’s fine. If you don’t want my gift…”
Scared, I tried to redeem myself, “No, please, I’m sorry! I am grateful! I do want to go into town! Thank you so much. I’ve been dying to go outside the Retreat and look around. It’s very kind of you, really, very generous. Thank you!”
I knew he was playing me and he knew that I knew, but I had no choice. If I didn’t pretend and play along, it would be even worse for me. He would have his fun, either way, but it might be just a little less awful for me if I cooperated.
He smiled. “I’m glad. Because a walk into town isn’t your only treat and you would have missed out on the best bit. Come. I’ll explain as we stroll.”
Whimpering, I started to walk, as slowly as I could and with my legs just slightly more open than usual to try and minimise the feeling of the knot in the rope between my legs. I let out a cry as I felt a sudden sharp slap to my bottom and I spun around.
“Walk normally. In fact, I want you to walk with a sway to your hips, as though you are trying to be seductive in that sexy dress. Walk tall and proud. Smile. I want you to make eye contact with anyone we meet, smile sweetly, and say hello.”
It was getting worse and worse. What else was he going to add? What would the “best bit” be?
We somehow made it out of the house. I felt as though my knees were going to collapse under me and my body was getting so desperate for release I almost wished one of the men at the Retreat who I had just said hello to would ask Mr. Kozlov if he could use me. I can’t believe he was making my body respond like this, without even touching me!It was cruel.
It was so cruel.
“Now then,” Mr. Kozlov began to explain as we walked along the winding path down into the town. “As I said, you will greet everyone we meet with a smile and a warm hello. I don’t know how many people we’ll bump into in town, but you will choose one of them.”
My eyes widened as I listened to him, trying to concentrate on his words and not feel the deliciously soft and delicate caress of the silk on my nipples, the frustrating and exciting pressure of the rope on my clit, and the maddening throb and pulsing of the egg inside me.
“You must choose one of the people – a man or a woman – and beg him or her to fuck you.”
I stopped walking and stared at him in disbelief. These weren’t members of the Retreat. He was talking about just going up to a complete stranger and asking to be used.
“I can’t… please… don’t make me do that… I can’t…”
Mr. Kozlov laughed.
“Yes you can, because I’m telling you to do it. Or, you could choose to disobey and disappoint me… there is always that option.”
I whimpered, knowing that of course I would do as he said. He started walking again and I did my best to keep up with him.
“But if it helps, I will tell you that most of the people who live in this town are either present or past members of the Retreat or have had dealings with the gentlemen there and aren’t exactly the typical, normal, people you would find in any little town elsewhere.”
That did help me, although I still dreaded doing what I had to do.
“Could I… I mean… please don’t be angry but… would it be possible for you to be… you know… the one I…”
Mr. Kozlov laughed. “The one you fuck? Ah my little Clara, are you begging me to fuck you?”
My eyes stung with the tears of embarrassment and shame as I nodded. It would be better for him to do it than to ask a complete stranger.
“I’m very flattered and perhaps you will get your wish later, but not instead of doing what I have told you to do. It’s very sweet of you though and so here’s a little something to show you how much I appreciate your affection.”
I let out a small cry as the vibrating egg inside me began to pulse more quickly and strongly than before. I looked down, miserable, and horribly turned on.
We walked in silence, the sensations in my body driving me more and more insane with each passing moment. We were in town now and there were a few people walking around. I tried my best to make eye contact and greet them but no one came close enough to speak to.
Turning a corner in the street, Mr. Kozlov said, “Let’s go in to the police station. I’m sure we’ll find a nice little group of people there.”
I followed him, almost wishing he had wanted me to be his pet dog again.
Inside, I was relieved to see that there was no one except an officer working at a computer behind a desk.
“Can I help you?” He said in a gruff voice, without smiling or looking up.
“Yes, Officer. I just caught this young girl trying to steal from me.”
The man looked up then, slowly, as though bored and irritated at being disturbed. But when he saw me his expression changed, his gaze dropped to my chest where it stayed as though glued there and I could have sworn he began to salivate.
I looked up at Mr. Kozlov in horror and confusion. He smirked and shrugged his shoulders then, leaning down to whisper into my ear he said, “I got bored with the other game. New game. Play along. It could be fun. Well for me at least.”
“Oh really?” the police officer said. He started to walk towards us and I instinctively shrank back but Mr. Kolzov was now standing behind me, holding my elbows and pressing his body into my back (and I could feel his enjoyment of this new game poking me).
“I think perhaps you’d better come with me then, young lady. I will need to question you.”
I twisted in Mr. Kozlov’s grip, trying to look around and see his face. He was going to leave me alone with this man? I had no doubt that the Officer’s questioning techniques would be very much hands-on. He was a good-looking man and the idea of being with him didn’t repulse me (in fact, if I had been introduced to him in more usual circumstances, I could imagine myself smiling, blushing and even flirting with him). But I hated that this man was going to do whatever he wanted to me without caring at all whether I wanted, liked, or enjoyed it.
“She will go with you, won’t you, you naughty little thief?” Mr. Kozlov was saying. “I’ll wait here to take you home after the questioning. Be good now. If the Officer reports that you were any trouble, I won’t be happy. Do you understand?”
I nodded. I had no choice. I would have to do exactly what this man told me. I felt Mr. Kozlov slowly let go of me and then all of sudden the egg was buzzing on a much higher setting and I almost collapsed.
“Follow me please, Miss,” The officer said, still staring at my chest. I don’t think he had made eye contact with me even once yet.
“Clara,” I heard Mr. Kozlov say and I turned around. “Don’t worry. Whatever he does to you, I will make you feel so good that you’ll thank me for today. You know that, don’t you?”
I began to sob as I nodded, knowing with dismay that it was true, and walked out of the room with the police officer.
It wasn’t too bad, really it wasn’t. He was quick and quite gentle so it could have been worse. Would you like to know more details? I’m so tired now and reliving these events has exhausted me. But I’ll tell you next time, if you like. Just let me know.
It’s incredible what Mr. Kozlov can do to me, to my mind and my body. It’s insane what a couple of skillfully placed ropes and a silk dress can do too. I think I would have begged a stranger to take me if I had seen someone who looked kind. I wish he hadn’t changed the game. But, as I said, it wasn’t really too bad and, of course as promised he made me thank him. Not just thank him, but scream my thanks and beg him to do it again and again and again.