Sticks and Stones

sexy girl cryingI think I am going to try and kill myself.

Oh, my sweetest friend, don’t worry, I wouldn’t do that. Not really. It’s just that I am so lonely, so desperate, so sad and I don’t know how things will ever get better. If Taun does come back for me I know it’ll only be a matter of weeks or maybe months before he brings me back to the Retreat again but he will bring me back and the pain will continue.

I haven’t seen Mr. Negulesco in weeks and although some of the men seem vaguely familiar most are complete strangers. I’ve even started wishing I could see Mr. Kozlov again! That is how desperate I am to see someone I know and to talk to someone who knows me!

I actually did see Mr. Kozlov the other day. I shrank back against the wall, hoping and praying he wouldn’t see me but when he didn’t seem to notice me I felt really strange. I tried to tell myself that I was relieved but… I don’t know. It’s probably just because I’m so lonely. I watched him for a while, holding my breath, sure and certain that he would just sense I was there but a tall, stunning brunette caught his eye and he made a beeline for her. They chatted for a while and although at first she seemed happy to see him, she definitely didn’t want to go anywhere with him so he put a collar around her neck and dragged her upstairs! About twenty minutes later I heard the most awful screams coming from the third floor.

I still haven’t been up to the third floor. It’s incredible to think that I’ve somehow managed to avoid that fate as yet and I don’t know how long that will hold true but until now I’ve never seen inside any rooms up there. I do know, however, from the stories and blood-curdling screams, that it’s a place of torture and agony and it terrifies me beyond words.

Talking of words, Mr. Negulesco left another notice up on the board today. There was a different one yesterday too which I’ve also included here. I wish I could forget them but sadly they are all too easy to memorize and write down for you to read and, I am sure, be appalled by. Here is the first one:

I am a whore.
I exist to please.
I exist to be used.
I exist to open my holes for whatever purpose any man dictates.
I must not pursue pleasure for my own ends.
I am a whore.
My only worth is my body.

Say it. Believe it. Live it.

Carlo Negulesco
Retreat Director

I just cannot accept these words as truth however many times I read them, hear them, or say them. But, it seems my only choice is, in fact, to accept them. If I keep fighting, if I keep insisting that I will someday be free, that I deserve better, that I am not just an object for the men’s use, then I am only making my existence more and more miserable.

And this is the second notice:

You are nothing.
Your old life has been washed out and your new life is before you.
Your purpose is to serve any man in any way he desires.
You live to serve, to obey, and to submit.
You are nothing.

Repeat it. Believe it. Live it.

Carlo Negulesco
Retreat Director

What am I supposed to do? I almost wish I could embrace it. Could I somehow learn to love the horrors that happen every day here? Or, at least, if not to love them to accept them as normal and okay?

But I can’t change who I am! I can’t fight anymore; I am too tired and too broken. But I don’t have to accept that nothing will ever be better. If I thought that things would be okay with Taun, I would try and get a message to him but unless I see Mr. Negulesco that will be impossible and besides, I really don’t think that things will ever be okay with Taun. I ruined that chance of happiness.

So, what’s my plan? If I can’t fight it and I can’t accept it?

I will wait.

Yes, I will wait until things get better because, in the end, things always do get better. Don’t they?

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One comment

  1. Charlotte says:

    ((Full credit goes to Mr. Carlo Negulesco for the notes to the Retreat girls left on the notice board. He wrote those words; I did not.))

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