Oh, my dear diary and wonderful friend, what am I going to do? I am so scared. I can either put all my physical and mental strength into going through with this or into figuring a way to get out of it.
Last night I was walking around the grounds (trying to avoid going into the house for obvious reasons) and I was doing very well at staying out of the way of anyone bad. I did see Sir Hugo, which made my heart beat do something strange for a few moments because I wasn’t sure if I should be happy or scared to see him again. But he was already talking to someone and although I’m sure he saw me because he looked straight at me and I couldn’t look away in time he didn’t call me over or talk to me or react when I managed to get my muscles to move again and I walked slowly past.
So I was feeling very relieved and a little pleased with myself for managing to have such a quiet evening. But I was too smug, I suppose, because all of a sudden I looked up and standing right in front of me were Mr. Negulesco, his lovely lady, Spirit, and another man who I haven’t seen in ages and whose name I couldn’t remember but who I did know as someone who had been kind to me. It was Taun! I was too troubled by Mr. Negulesco’s presence to remember his name at the time but it came back to me afterwards. Do you remember him? I haven’t seen him since Christmas when he rescued me from the mischievous Santa Claus who stole all my clothes!
Anyway, I tried to start talking to Taun but Mr. Negulesco was already there and even though I stepped a closer to Taun I somehow couldn’t reach him. Mr. Negulesco has such a presence. He wasn’t actually stopping me from moving but I couldn’t step around or past him. And then Mr. Negulesco started to play with my hair and it was like some sort of electric current attaching his hand to my body. Even if I had been able to move away before, I certainly couldn’t then. Maybe I shouldn’t wear my hair in pigtails. It’s really comfortable like that and I think it looks nice but sometimes the men grab my hair or play with it and that isn’t usually a good thing for me. I could just wear it loose but then it keeps falling in my eyes which is annoying.
I had been so hoping that Mr. Negulesco had either forgotten about or somehow decided to forgive my emotional outburst from the other night. But of course, he hadn’t. He looked straight at me and told me to go up to the room at the top of the house. I haven’t been up there yet. Most of the time the men just do what they have to do and don’t take me to another room or place. I froze from the fear and tried once again to talk to Taun. I thought that maybe if he wanted to be with me then Mr. Negulesco would give priority to him, as he’s a client. But Taun could tell, I suppose, that Mr. Negulesco had something planned and he didn’t want to get in the way. I wish he had wanted to.
When Mr. Negulesco saw that I was stalling and heard me talking to Taun he said, “That sounds very like you’re saying no to me again.” I was terrified at his tone and what he was implying. I quickly reassured him that I wasn’t saying no and that I would never dare to do that. I hadn’t meant to say no the last time and I wish I could manage to explain to him that it was a misunderstanding. He thought I was refusing to do something he had told me to do but I was saying no because I was scared, not because I wasn’t going to do it. Oh, I don’t know. It’s really confusing.
Then he suggested that Taun come upstairs too and watch what he had in store for me and afterward they could both, you know, at the same time with me. That made me more scared than ever and even if I didn’t think Taun would do something like that I have no idea what these men are really capable of especially if they are encouraged by someone as powerful as Mr. Negulesco. If you understand how much I hate it when there is just one man looking at me, or touching me, you can perhaps begin to imagine how I feel about more than one man. It’s awful when I’m naked with a man and there are other people around and I know they can see, hear and even smell me. I hate it so much. Mr. Negulesco organizes a regular event at the Retreat where one girl is chosen, put in a cage or tied up and groups of men are invited to come and do whatever they want to her, all at the same time. One time I was that girl. If I’m chosen again for that I don’t know what I’ll do. It was so awful. But I think perhaps just two men would actually be worse than a whole group because it would be more intense; I couldn’t just switch off and block everything out as I sort of managed to do during the group event.
Oh, I have to get away from here!
The lovely Spirit (who looked as stunning and elegant as usual) quietly told me to just do as Mr. Negulesco was telling me to do and to go inside the house because it would be easier for me than trying to put it off or get out of it. And she’s right of course. But I can’t help it; I’m so scared of what he’s going to do to me. I really like Spirit and I hope I can see her again soon. She even stood up for me when Mr. Negulesco said he was disappointed in me (which almost made me cry. I felt dead and hollow hearing him say that. Why do I care if he’s disappointed? I don’t know but I hate it when he is and for some weird reason I need him to be proud of me.) I’d love to talk to Spirit and ask her how she came to accept and even love being who and what she is. Maybe she can help me. But then, do I want to be helped like that? Do I want to become so changed, so brainwashed, so broken down that I’m not even me anymore? My life here would be easier then, true, but do I really want that? I do not think so. I don’t want to let that happen. No. But I just won’t say that out loud, of course, to Mr. Negulesco.
So I was just about to start walking towards the house when it seemed as though Mr. Negulesco had changed his mind. For some reason he pulled Spirit along gently on her leash (yes, can you believe it? He has a leash on her a though she were a dog and she seems perfectly happy or at least doesn’t mind that he leads her around like that!) and I was no longer required to go into the house.
But now it’s even worse and I don’t know if he did it on purpose to punish me even more but that wouldn’t surprise me. If I had obeyed straight away or if he had continued to insist I go upstairs then my punishment and whatever horrors he had – and no doubt still has – planned would now be over. I didn’t know he was planning anything for me and it was scary enough finding out and going into it but now… now it’s a hundred times worse. Now all I can do is sit here worrying, panicking, imagining all the horrible, painful, terrifying things he could do to me and I’m so, so scared. Now I have the fear and the anticipation of the fear as well. Part of me thinks I should visit that room to have a look and see what contraptions are there; maybe if I see what might happen to me I’ll be less scared. But I can’t bring myself to do that. I know seeing the machines and instruments of torture that I’m sure are up there will only fuel my imagination and I’ll be even more terrified than I am now, if that’s possible.
What can I do? Begging and pleading him isn’t going to work. He’ll just let me promise everything, knowing that he can have what he wants with me anyway and I’ll still be punished. It’s sick, really warped. I can’t trick him or fool him; I know he’s far too clever and he’s also probably very used to his captured girls trying to get out of being punished. I don’t think that even being amazingly well-behaved and good will help either because he expects that of me and still thinks he has the right to punish me anyway.
Somebody has to help me!
Maybe if Sir Jeff comes for me before I see Mr. Negulesco again? Yes, I absolutely have to find a way to contact Sir Jeff! He’s so kind and I’m sure he’ll help me by taking me away or at the very least speaking to Mr. Negulesco and asking him to not hurt me.
I’m going to go now and try to find that cell phone. I’ll let you know what happens!See More of Charlotte & Clara: