Oh my dearest, closest friend. This diary entry should have been so wonderful. It was going to be the happiest, best news I have ever told you! Because, you’ll never guess what happened. I fell in love!!!
I wrote to you last only a few days ago but since then so very much has happened.
As I said last time, Taun has been so good to me since rescuing me from Vince and the Monster. Maybe too good? I don’t know… it’s really complicated. Everything was so amazing. I knew how Taun felt about me; that he liked me as a person and not just a body to play with. I knew he would cherish and protect me and I wondered if he had fallen in love with me. I wasn’t in love with him but that didn’t bother me. In fact I think I actually preferred it because it made our relationship easier. It meant that he was still one of the men at the Retreat but that he was good to me and therefore I felt lucky. I didn’t expect anything of him and felt extremely fortunate to be with him.
I kept having awful flashbacks to my time with Vince and the Monster. Every time Taun undressed and I saw his incredibly sexy, muscular body or when he touched me and I got too excited, I saw the Monster, or heard his voice, or just somehow felt he was with me. Sometimes I was so convinced he was there that I couldn’t see Taun even though I was looking right at him; all I could see was my Monster and then poor Taun had to try and bring me out of my hallucination so that I could remember who I was and who he was. I had such a hard time learning to trust Taun after everything the Monster had told me about him and with everything I felt about the Monster too. I know he was awful to me but, unlike Vince, there was something else, something deep, and somehow I can’t let that part of him go.
I haven’t told you this before, my dear friend, and I didn’t want to. But I have to. The Monster is still with me and I feel him pulling me. I can’t see him and it’s funny but if you ask me what he looks like I can never remember his face or his body. Just his eyes. Always his eyes. I know he will find me one day and I am not scared; I want him to. I know what I am trying to tell you makes no sense at all. How I feel when I think of the moment I see him in front of me, his steel eyes piercing me, killing me and then instantly bringing me back to more-than-life with their burning, roaring flames. That thought terrifies me so much I can’t being to explain or describe it. But it is pure, ice-blue existence. No logic, no thought. Just vivid, vital and so very much alive. I don’t like him, want him, trust him or know anything about him. But he knows me and he knows I need him. He can live without me but I can’t survive without him.
Taun promises me that the Monster does not exist. He has said that there was only one man who held me captive and who did terrible things to me. That man was Vince and Vince is now dead. Taun tells me that Vince messed with my mind and there is no Monster. I trust Taun and part of me is trying to accept that my Monster does not exist. I don’t know who he is, but if he doesn’t exist then why can I feel him and why can I hear his voice and see his eyes so clearly?
I am going to tell you some secrets now, my diary. Something that happened to me while I was with the Monster. You must promise never to tell anyone these things and I know I am probably being stupid even writing them down. I think I will rip out the following page once I’ve finished writing it. Yes, I that’s what I need to do. I am sorry, my old friend, but some things must remain a secret, even to you.
* * * * * * * * * *
The Monster had taken me very roughly. It had hurt but he had told me to orgasm and said he would only stop touching and hurting me once I came. Every inch of me was in terrible pain and excruciating pleasure. He was using every part of my body in turn, over and over again, kissing, pinching, touching, hitting, stroking, flicking, sucking, biting, caressing, slapping on and on never ending until the pain and pleasure seemed to dissolve into one, pure, intense sensation. My every sense was alive and on fire with what his body was doing to mine. I could smell him: Animal, sex, power. I looked at him and I could see into and through his eyes for the first time, pulling me into the ocean I desperately wanted to drown in. And I could hear his voice telling me to come. I had to obey and it was the most powerful orgasm I had ever had. Or so it seemed a the time. Had he drugged me? No, but he had started to do something to me and he was about to finish it and make it much worse and much longer lasting.
It goes without saying that he broke his promise and continued to use me until I had come several more times and so had he.
When he had finally stopped he made me kneel in front of him as he asked me, “Did you enjoy that? Did you like me fucking you?”
I had no idea how to answer him because of course I had hated it. Or, had I enjoyed it? A little? Or loved it? Or really hated it? I didn’t know what to say but I knew he would be angry if he thought I was lying so I just replied softly, “Not really.”
He slapped me hard across the face with the back of his hand. “Tsk tsk tsk. I thought you had learned by now. Let’s try again, shall we? Did you enjoy being fucked?”
He had hit me so hard that I lost balance and was on the floor again. I realized he must be wanting me to say that I had enjoyed it and so I quickly said, “Oh… I’m really sorry… I meant to say, yes, I loved it.” I had to look away as I spoke. I am a very unconvincing liar and I couldn’t imagine he would think I was telling him the truth.
“Liar.” He shouted as he kicked me in the ribs. “I dont want your lies, Clara. Do we need to go to the dungeon again?”
I fought the instinct to try and scramble away from him. I had no idea what he wanted me to say. How was I supposed to reply to his question? Tears spring to my eyes as I searched desperately for a way to answer his question to his satisfaction, “I’m sorry, I’m so confused! I did enjoy many parts of it, I really did! You are very… skilled… and… my body… I can’t help reacting after so long with men like you… I mean… with men doing the things to me like the things you do to me… I mean… I really do enjoy it sometimes… and just now… it was… I mean, sometimes when you do those things… sometimes… I do enjoy it very much… I do love it! I love it so much when my body reacts the way it does to the way the men touch me and I explode and it feels so amazing and…”
I burst out crying then and couldn’t speak any more. I was sucking in deep lungfulls of air in between almost-howls as I realized that I was telling him the complete truth and that he had just made me admit out loud to him and to myself my deepest, most precious and well-hidden secret. A secret that I hadn’t even known, until that moment, that I was hiding.
His laughter filled the room. I stared at him in shock as his mocking filled my ears and crushed my soul. When he had finally regained enough composure to speak he said, “My little Clara! Going all sweet on me! I wish I had recorded that. Taun would love to hear it I am sure.” The idea amused him so much he started laughing loudly again. “All I wanted was for you to address me in the correct manor with my name at the end of your sentence.”
I thought I was going to throw up. I just stared at him, knowing that I would henceforth always be linked to him. Whatever happened to me or to him he would always be the only one to own that secret part of me. I knew I would hide it again. I doubted he would tell anyone. But it would own it and it was his and so was I.
And now, my dear friend and confident, I will tear the above paragraph from this diary. I don’t want to remember it and I certainly don’t want anyone else to ever read it.
* * * * * * * * *
Safe and happy, warm and protected at home with Taun, I couldn’t help wondering if he liked me so much that he had gone soft! I don’t think I realized what I was doing at the time, but I tested him. I’m so naughty!!! I was lying on the outdoor bed/hammock thing on the deck of his house and he wanted me to touch myself while he stood in front of me and watched. I didn’t obey straight away and he told me again, in more detail, what he wanted me to do. But instead of obeying, I sat up and slowly leaned towards him, smiling my cutest, coyest smile and looking at him with eyes full of lust (that I really did feel). I told him that I didn’t want to do what he was telling me to but that I was dying to… well, you know, I can never really say some things out loud and I even blush to write them but I made it very obvious what I had in mind. I licked my lips and reached out slowly towards him, wanting to undo his pants and make him feel good with my mouth. Like I said, I really didn’t realize that I was testing him because I was so desperate to show him how happy I was being with him and how amazing he made me feel. I just wanted to make him feel good too. But more than that, I realize now, I needed to know that he was strong. I felt scared being with him because he isn’t as controlling or cruel as most of the men I’ve known recently and that, for some warped reason, make me feel as though I was about to fall off something very high. I know it doesn’t make any sense at all but that’s just how I feel and I don’t know if I should fight it or not but I don’t have the strength to try at the moment. I needed to know that he wouldn’t let me manipulate him.
And he didn’t! He got angry with me for disobeying and he shouted at me as he leaped onto the bed, pulling me in front of him and forcing my hands to touch myself. I started crying because I was scared but I was also so very, very happy that he hadn’t let me get away with playing my little game. The rest of the evening was amazing and we both enjoyed ourselves very much indeed!
And then the following day, I fell in love!!! Oh, it was wonderful! It felt so good and so perfect and I was sure that my happiness would just bloom and blossom and everything would be wonderful from then on. We’d get married, have kids, you know the normal things couples do…
Taun had been trying to teach me, slowly, to trust and obey him again. As I said, each time we tried to get intimate I had horrible flashbacks so Taun was trying to sort my mind out and help me relax enough to be myself. He had tied me up and was doing both nice and slightly painful – but really only very slightly uncomfortable – things to my body.
But after a while I couldn’t hide my fear and although I tried so hard to trust him it got too much I blurted out,”Please don’t hurt me! You don’t need to hurt me at all! I’m scared and I don’t want to be scared… please… let me down… I can’t do this…”
Taun stayed calm while he spoke to me in a reassuring voice. “Clara, you say that but your actions tell me differently. Until we make you understand that there is no one else to effect you, that there is only me, then we have to continuue. I want you to be the happy girl I brought home from the Retreat, not the cringing girl afraid of being intimate with me. So today I am touching you and only hurting you just enough to teach you this lesson. Later I am going to teach you perfect submissiveness. You will endure me without ever moving a muscle for as long as I want you to. Then we will move on.”
Unfortunately, his words only made things worse. “But I am happy! I promise you! You don’t need to do anything to make me happy! I was happy lying in bed with you, I was happy when we went out for coffee, and I was happy just before you tied me up and hurt me. I don’t want to feel pain any more. I’m tired of men hurting me!”
And then, as I struggled hard against the cuffs Taun had put me in, I was suddenly back in the dungeon with the Monster and everything I had felt there came flooding into me. I was looking at Taun and all I could feel was hatred and I started shrieking at him, “He warned me! He told me you would hurt me! He told me to be careful of you but I didn’t listen! Now UNTIE ME!”
“Who are you screaming about Clara? Who has made you think this way?”
“My Monster! He told me you were bad! He said only he could protect me and that you would hurt me. He knows me and you don’t! If he hurt me if was for a good reason. Not just to teach me some stupid lesson about something. Let me go! I have to find him; I have to go to him! I need him! Please!”
And then I was sobbing and struggling and just desperately wanting to get free but Taun wouldn’t let me go. He wanted me to calm down first. He talked me gently through who he really was and how he had helped me when I was at the Retreat and how he had saved me from Vince and never really hurt me and slowly I remembered that he was, in fact, one of the good men.
“Good Clara. Now to help with this we are going to remind you of who and what you are. You are the most beautiful and devoted submissive woman I have ever known and because of that you are extremely dear to me. So I am going to help you get back to who you are.”
“But how do you know who I really am? Who I was when you found me at the Retreat isn’t who I was before I arrived there! I don’t want to be submissive! I don’t want to beg a man to touch me! I just want to be me…” I was crying again, mourning the little girl I used to be before the day I got just a little too curious and decided to swim in a pool that looked so sweet and refreshing and I thought would feel so good but that belonged to a man whose name is Mr. Negulesco.
Taun was looking at me with such kindness and understanding in his eyes, my tears subsided as I added softly, “But I do like being beautiful and devoted.”
“Clara, being submissive does not mean you want to beg men to touch you or anyone else, it means that you are capable of giving yourself fully to the person you want to be with. I know you because I spent months with you learning who you were. Even when you were not aware of it I have observed you, studied you, because I wanted to always be able to make you happy.”
And that’s when I realized I had fallen in love. Taun had seen me at the Retreat and had watched me, waiting for the right time to come and take me to his house and then he had continued to learn about me. He did know me! I felt the most amazing, happy and warm glow fill my whole being and I knew that I was supposed to be with Taun and that he was the man who was supposed to be with me. It was so perfect!
But of course, perfection does not exist.
The following evening things went very wrong.
Oh, my wonderful friend, what am I going to do? I have to fix this mess but I don’t know where the problem is so I can’t even start to work on it. Please help me.
Taun had me tied up, my wrists held high in the air, and he explained that I was to be a rag doll. I wasn’t to move, regardless of what he did to me. For the first time ever I completely trusted him. For the first time in my life I had no worries that I would be hurt, tricked or used in any way that wasn’t perfectly okay with me. I knew I could do this for Taun and I remember actually hoping that he would hurt me just a little so I could prove how obedient and well behaved I was.
I became the perfect doll. Lifeless, unable to move unless he moved me, unable to feel unless he told me what to feel.
Taun touched me and I didn’t move. He made me feel good, oh so good, and I was so close to having an incredibly powerful orgasm but then he stopped touching me. I was a doll, yes, but until that point I had been a living doll. Now I felt the last drops of my life drain from my body as my climax was stollen from me and I wasn’t allowed to – wasn’t able to – move or beg for more.
Why had he done that to me? Did he want a lifeless doll? If so, then he was cruel and I had misjudged him and misplaced my trust in him. Had he made a mistake and not known how very close to orgasm I was? If so, then he was unable to read me and didn’t know me as well as I had thought and so I couldn’t place my life and happiness in his hands. Clara had fallen in love with Taun, but I was no longer Clara and I had no idea who Taun was.
Then he told me I was no longer a doll and that I could move and speak again. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t feel or think. I was numb. He had killed me, just like the Monster had killed me, but unlike my Monster he didn’t bring me back to life again. He left my lifeless corpse hanging. Dead.
I don’t remember what happened next. Taun seemed sad. He must have noticed that I was different. I don’t know if he wasn’t sure what to do or how to help me or if he just didn’t really see how bad it was. But it was very bad. He must have untied me and put me to bed because I woke up in his bed this morning. He wasn’t there. I don’t know where he is; probably somewhere in the house but I don’t want to go and look right now. I just want to finish writing in my diary and then perhaps take a nap. Yes, I think I need to sleep.
I want to dream.
And follow the sound of a voice that is calling me.
I need to feel. I need to be alive. I don’t want to hurt but it is better than not feeling anything at all. I am not even sad right now. I’m not scared or confused any more. I’m just not… anything. And I can’t survive like that.
Somebody please make me feel something.