I used to be sure of what I like. I used to be sure of who I am. I have always been attracted to strong, powerful, masterful, dominant men. That makes me submissive, right? Therefore, I must be a sub.
But I can also be bossy. I like to be the one who organizes things and to be in control of what is happening. I like to play games and to tease. Not very subby!
According to Wikipedia, “Dominance and submission (also called D&s, Ds, and D/s) is a set of behaviors, customs and rituals involving the giving by one individual to another individual of control over them in an erotic episode or as a lifestyle.” That definition sounds pretty accurate to me, but it doesn’t seem to describe who I am, how I feel and what I do. I don’t give up the control; I want it to be taken. After all, how can I know that he’s really dominant, masterful and strong – rather than a wannabe – if I just give him permission to dominate me?
Perhaps there’s a different name for that. Is there a word for a girl who is dominant, but doesn’t want to dominate? A girl who is dominant, but is excited by men who are far more dominant than she is?
When I was in my late teens I knew a Goth couple. The guy was incredibly sexy and I never saw him in an outfit that didn’t include at least one item of black leather. The girl was delicious in her long, flowing skirts and artistic jewelry. One day they showed me some photos they’d had taken in various sexy poses. I can still remember one of those photos today. She was handcuffed, at his knees, gazing up at him with a look of pure adoration in her eyes while he looked sternly down at her, a black leather whip in his hands.
I was so curious about that photo. Looking at it had had an effect on me that I wanted to explore. I didn’t dare talk to the guy as I was too much in awe of him, but I plucked up the courage to ask the girl about the handcuffs and whip and what they did with them. What she told me completely broke the spell. She laughed and said that she and her boyfriend liked to play in the bedroom but it was just a game; he didn’t tell her what to do or control her in any way when they weren’t role playing. She was too much of a feminist to let a man boss her around, she said.
I was so disappointed! It just didn’t seem to make sense to me. I was so intrigued by how I felt looking at that photo, and I knew that just play acting wasn’t what I wanted. I also wondered if it was possible to be a feminist and still enjoy being tied up.
I know there are some people who live the D/s lifestyle 24/7 but I am curious to know how they found their partners and how the dominant and submissive roles were worked out. Do the subs just do as they’re told right from day one, or do they play around a bit first, see what they can get away with, find out how far their Master will let them go? Do the Doms expect total obedience from the beginning, or do they enjoy breaking in their sweet little rebellious filly?
I very much enjoy role-playing on Second Life. It can be extremely fun and also exciting if you find someone with a good command of the language, decent typing skills and the right sort of imagination. It took me a while but I have also now found some excellent places on Second Life where the role playing is very high quality and the theme is not just adult, not just rape fantasy/non consent, but also most of the time I am not required to give in quickly and easily; it is expected and enjoyed that the character I am playing will put up a fight and only give in when she absolutely has no other choice and even then she probably won’t enjoy it. Most of the places I tried out before finding these rare locations were just not what I wanted. Second Life Gor, for example, is fun for a short while but once my character had been broken in she was expected to remain obedient forever. There are many places with a BDSM theme where you can role play on Second Life and where the subs are very willing slaves or the victim very quickly becomes more than happy to do what the kidnapper wants. This is fine if you enjoy role-playing scenes like that; I do not. Once my character has been conquered, once she has fallen for her Master, once she no longer wants to fight him and is happy to do whatever he wants, the game is over and so is the fun. It becomes boring for me and I want to start again with a new character and a new storyline.
Am I alone in enjoying the fight that comes before the surrender? Am I alone in being attracted to men who can control me because they can really control me, not because I have let them?