Oh, I know I wasn’t really doing anything very bad but just the fact that I was lounging around chatting with a girl rather than actively looking for one of the Gentlemen to please could get me into deep trouble. And of course what Najda was doing was even worse because she was sitting in one of the armchairs and I’d hate to think that she could be punished for it. She was so nice to me!
Although perhaps she’ll be okay. I’m still rather confused about her status; maybe she’s not one of the women here who must look after the men’s needs. You know, like the lovely Spirit. Do you remember her? She’s Mr. Negulesco’s lady and although she is a woman, I very, very much doubt she has to be available to all the men at the Retreat and in fact I have never seen her kiss or be touched by anyone other than Mr. Negulesco. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen her at all in ages. I hope she’s okay. She may not be as sympathetic to me as I had hoped when I met her, but I do think she’s a nice girl and I want her to be happy. Perhaps she is also one of the reasons I can never quite hate Mr. Negulesco the way I hate the cruel men such as Mr. Kozlov and Tyr. Spirit seems so in love with her man and so fulfilled and happy in their relationship that I can’t imagine he is as awful to her as he has sometimes been to me and therefore I think that he can’t be quite as bad as I sometimes feel he is.
Do you see what I’m saying? I’m sorry if I’m not being very clear; my head is a mess with all the worry but let me try and explain: Mr. Negulesco must love Spirit dearly, at least he seems to, but I have a hard time imagining anyone being in love with Tyr, for example, unless she enjoys having her mouth and throat used so roughly she can’t swallow without pain for days afterwards. I can actually imagine a woman falling for Mr. Kozlov. He is very, very good looking and his eyes are so incredibly attractive, were he a kinder, gentler man I could easily fall for him. But he’s not. He’s a monster and any girl who fell for him would have to be absolutely crazy!
Mr. Negulesco, on the other hand, isn’t just cruel for the sake of it. At least, he may be, but… I don’t know. He puzzles me so much and every time I see him I think I have figured him out but then the next time he confuses me all over again. I’m probably thinking too much into it; he’s no doubt just a man like the others who enjoys women.
Since I am talking about Mr. Negulesco, let me write up here the latest “poem” he left on the notice board for us girls to read and learn. I know I shouldn’t write them down because in doing so I am validating them and committing the awful words to memory. I should just ignore them; not even read them in the first place. But, the problem is I have to read the stuff on the notice board in case there is something I need to know. For example, the other day another terrible Gang Bang Rape was announced. I was the victim once and I hope that the fact that it has been a new girl each time means it won’t happen to me again. It was so frightening and awful and I can’t bear to be around when it is happening, even when the victim is one of the girls who say they enjoy being used like that. So it’s useful to read the notice board to find out about stuff like that or to know any information that I would get in trouble for not knowing.
Anyway, here is the latest notice:
I am Rape Meat.
I am nothing but a set of holes to be used.
I am nothing but a set of holes to be abused.
I must not fight or complain to men who want to find pleasure in my body.
I must allow myself to be touched, hurt, fucked, bred, and used.
I am nothing.
This is my only purpose.
Say it. Believe it. Live it.
I feel ill just writing those words down. They aren’t true! I refuse to believe them. But I worry about the time and energy I spend trying so vehemently to deny their truth. Why am I trying so hard? If I really didn’t believe it at all, wouldn’t I just be able to shrug it off and not think twice about it?
Oh my friend, the more I think about all this the more worried I get. It has been a few days now and with each day that goes by I am getting more and more nervous. I just don’t understand it. Is it coincidence or are they messing with me? Ever since my quiet evening chatting with Najda and watching Shiroona dance nothing at all has happened to me – either good or bad. Nothing! Can you believe that? I mean no man has come to me, used me, hurt me or even touched me gently. Nothing at all. The other girls are still ignoring me so either I did dream my whole evening with Najda and Shiroona or they were somehow just visitors to the Retreat. Maybe they are incredibly rich and Mr. Negulesco allowed them to hang out for a while? I hope so because that would mean they are indeed real, they won’t get into any trouble, and I could see them again! It’s unlikely but still possible.
I guess I’ll find out eventually.